Zodiac Satire: The Retrograde Support Group

The planets are holding a cosmic intervention. Mercury brought snacks; Pluto brought trauma; Venus brought an excuse. Welcome to Zodiac Satire: The Retrograde Support Group–where everyone is making progress in reverse.

♈ Aries – You interrupt someone’s healing journey to announce your own. The group applauds out of fear.

♉ Taurus – You refuse to share because vulnerability isn’t covered by your warranty. The snacks are your only safe space.

♊ Gemini – You talk through everyone’s check-ins. The planets file a noise complaint with Mercury.

♋ Cancer – You volunteer to take minutes, then cry into the clipboard. The Moon promises tissues and mild regret.

♌ Leo – You arrive late, demand a spotlight, and call it self-care. The group renames you “Main Character Energy.”

â™ Virgo – You alphabetize everyone’s trauma by severity. The facilitator takes notes for the DSM-VII.

♎ Libra – You can’t decide whether to commit to growth or ghost the session. Venus flips a coin and loses.

â™ Scorpio – You turn the circle into a séance. The spirits say “we need boundaries.”

â™ Sagittarius – You share a story so long it becomes a pilgrimage. Everyone transcends out of self-preservation.

♑ Capricorn – You bring a PowerPoint titled “Productivity as Coping.” The projector resigns.

â™’ Aquarius – You suggest the group become a think tank. Uranus seconds it; chaos carries.

♓ Pisces – You dissolve into empathy puddles. The group hands you a mop and a mirror.

Tomorrow: “Mars Joins Anger Management Again.” Helmets optional.

For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.