Zodiac Satire: The Retrograde Support Group
The planets are holding a cosmic intervention. Mercury brought snacks; Pluto brought trauma; Venus brought an excuse. Welcome to Zodiac Satire: The Retrograde Support Group—where everyone is making progress in reverse.
♈ Aries — You interrupt someone’s healing journey to announce your own. The group applauds out of fear.
♉ Taurus — You refuse to share because vulnerability isn’t covered by your warranty. The snacks are your only safe space.
♊ Gemini — You talk through everyone’s check-ins. The planets file a noise complaint with Mercury.
♋ Cancer — You volunteer to take minutes, then cry into the clipboard. The Moon promises tissues and mild regret.
♌ Leo — You arrive late, demand a spotlight, and call it self-care. The group renames you “Main Character Energy.”
♍ Virgo — You alphabetize everyone’s trauma by severity. The facilitator takes notes for the DSM-VII.
♎ Libra — You can’t decide whether to commit to growth or ghost the session. Venus flips a coin and loses.
♏ Scorpio — You turn the circle into a séance. The spirits say “we need boundaries.”
♐ Sagittarius — You share a story so long it becomes a pilgrimage. Everyone transcends out of self-preservation.
♑ Capricorn — You bring a PowerPoint titled “Productivity as Coping.” The projector resigns.
♒ Aquarius — You suggest the group become a think tank. Uranus seconds it; chaos carries.
♓ Pisces — You dissolve into empathy puddles. The group hands you a mop and a mirror.
Tomorrow: “Mars Joins Anger Management Again.” Helmets optional.
For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.
