Do It Yourself Horoscopes

🛠️ Welcome to Do It Yourself Horoscopes. The stars are tired, the algorithms are on strike, and apparently everyone is now a certified expert in everything. Why trust celestial mechanics when you can trust your own chaotic intuition? Interpret the cosmos like you interpret IKEA instructions: incorrectly, but with confidence.

♈ Aries — You are the CEO of impulsive decisions. You start five projects, finish none, and declare yourself a visionary. Your aura is Red Bull and regret.

♉ Taurus — Build a luxury blanket fort and refuse to leave. You are the patron saint of stubborn comfort. The stars tried to move you. They failed.

♊ Gemini — You argue  with your reflection and win. You are two podcasts in a trench coat. Mercury is in retrograde, but you are in denial.

♋ Cancer — Do it yourself by emotionally renovating your entire friend group. You are a mood board with claws. The moon called. It wants its drama back.

♌ Leo — You host a party for yourself, starring yourself, with a guest list of mirrors. The sun is jealous. You are incandescent.

♍ Virgo — Alphabetize your existential dread. You are a spreadsheet with feelings. The stars admire your precision but fear your judgment.

♎ Libra — You crowd source your personality. You are a vibe in search of a backbone. Venus is confused but supportive.

♏ Scorpio — You summon emotional storms and then blame the weather. You are a cryptic tweet with a vendetta. Pluto sends its regards.

♐ Sagittarius — You book a one-way ticket to chaos. You are a philosophical fire hazard. Jupiter is enabling you. Again.

♑ Capricorn — You  found a startup called “Feelings Are Inefficient.” You are climbing a mountain made of spreadsheets. Saturn is your life coach.

♒ Aquarius — You Invent a new zodiac sign and refuse to explain it. You are a conspiracy wrapped in a TED Talk. Uranus is intrigued.

♓ Pisces — Paint your dreams on the walls of your subconscious. You are a misty poem with Wi-Fi. Neptune is crying, but it is unclear why.

For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.