The Farmer’s Almanac Satire for 2025
(The Farmer’s Almanac Satire has been forecasting folly since before climate denial was cool.)
General Overview November arrives like an uninvited uncle with political opinions and leftover Halloween candy. The air will feel crisp, the leaves will look dead, and every influencer will rediscover flannel. Expect nature to act confused—some days you will need sunscreen, other days a shovel. The Almanac predicts “unseasonably seasonal” weather, which means we have no idea what is coming, but we refuse to admit it.
Weather Predictions Early November will bring a mix of frost and denial. Mid-month storms will arrive just as you have convinced yourself to stop raking. By Thanksgiving, temperatures will plummet faster than family civility at the dinner table. Farmers should prepare for precipitation in every conceivable form, including regret.
Astronomical Events The Leonid meteor shower peaks this month. Wish upon one if you can see past the haze of political ads and wildfire smoke. The full moon on November 15 is called the “Beaver Moon,” named for the creature that allegedly knew when to build dams. Modern humans, however, will mark the occasion by hoarding novelty gourds.
Best Days To…
Plant: Doubt, mostly.
Harvest: Excuses.
Quit Bad Habits: But perhaps not today.
Avoid Arguments: Impossible. Mercury is texting your ex.
Health and Household Tips To fend off seasonal affective disorder, the Almanac recommends vigorous denial and a daily dose of internet outrage. For the sniffles, place an onion in your sock, a crystal on your forehead, and your trust in pseudoscience. Remember, the best remedy is to complain loudly in public.
Proverb of the Month When the days grow short, and the Wi-Fi grows weak, it is time to ponder one’s choices—or at least order a light therapy lamp from Amazon Prime.
For more red-hot dispatches from a culture in decline, click here and duck for cover.
