Astrology Signs for People Who Have Given Up on Therapy

10/29/25 philmaggitti 3 min read horoscopes, trump

Bright, quirky illustration of twelve astrology signs as cartoon characters in a colorful group therapy scene, each showing unique zodiac traits—playful, surreal, and full of personality.” — **Caption:** *Twelve astrology signs, one group session, and absolutely no therapist brave enough to attend.*

You have tried journaling, meditation, aroma therapy, and that one shrink who said “Let’s unpack that” like you were emotional luggage. It is time to get back, Jojo, back to where you once belonged—blaming the planets. Welcome to Astrology Signs for People Who Have Given Up on Therapy, where self-awareness meets its cosmic deductible and the stars are just as tired as you are.

Aries

You channel your rage through productivity apps, turning every minor inconvenience into a military campaign. Victory is inevitable, humility optional, and yes, you still expect a parade.

Taurus

You treat comfort like a competitive sport. Luxury is your love language, and your forgiveness policy has a waiting list. You buy serenity one candle at a time, then nap like it’s billable hours.

Gemini

You are a think tank with commitment issues. Every opinion comes with a sequel, and every conversation is a mirror maze you built for yourself.

Cancer

You collect feelings like sea glass, polish them, and then weaponize them when the moon is right. Your comfort zone has a velvet rope.

Leo

You radiate charisma like it is an unpaid internship for everyone else. The world is your stage, the applause never loud enough, and the lighting still wrong.

Virgo

You edit reality for clarity, then mark it “needs work.” You call it self-improvement; others call it a hostile takeover of the mundane.

Libra

You make every decision like it is a hostage negotiation between your heart and your aesthetic. Harmony is your drug of choice, and you are deep in a relapse.

Scorpio

You crave emotional intensity like caffeine, sip secrets neat, and never reveal your full recipe. You do not trust easily—and you prefer it that way.

Sagittarius

You run from routine like it owes you money. Every detour is a pilgrimage, every plan a suggestion, and commitment an urban myth.

Capricorn

You approach ambition like a hostile merger. Every goal is an acquisition target, every success a controlled demolition of doubt. You do not chase dreams, you audit them.

Aquarius

You orbit the human race with intermittent Wi-Fi. Feelings are data packets to you: interesting, but optional.

Pisces

You dream in high definition and cry in surround sound. Reality is something you visit occasionally, like a beach house in off-season.

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