Horoscopes

(Horoscopes combining aloof elegance vs unconditional chaos.) ♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) You sprint into the day like it owes you something, knocking over… Read More

(A horoscope that serves as a pharmaceutical warning label, a surreal prophecy, and a cautionary tale for anyone who’s ever tried to astrally project while… Read More

🦠Leo (July 23 – August 22) You enter every room like it’s a red carpet event, even if it’s just the local Arby’s. The… Read More

(Dictated horoscopes by an unreliable oracle who may or may not be powered by expired batteries and Mercury in cowboy drag. Time is a flat… Read More

(“The stars incline, but with a little one-upmanship, you may bludgeon them into submission.” —Aquinas, or possibly Reginald at the Club) ♌ Leo (July 23… Read More

Leo (7/23 “‘ 8/22):The goddess Maytag, in harmonic convergence with the House of Proctor and Gamble, has designated the crock pot as your ruling symbol.… Read More

(📺Megyn Kelly vs. Rachel Maddow Horoscopes Edition–You are the battleground between controlled outrage and smirking analysis. One wants to cross-examine your soul. The other wants… Read More

[Today’s celestial influencers: Beyoncé (Divine Precision) vs. Lana Del Rey (Melancholy Drift) One demands excellence. The other sighs into a martini while the world burns.… Read More