Horoscopes

[Today’s celestial influencers: Beyoncé (Divine Precision) vs. Lana Del Rey (Melancholy Drift) One demands excellence. The other sighs into a martini while the world burns.… Read More

(Brought to you by the Venus-Pluto Misalignment Horoscopes Hotline: “If it feels wrong, it probably is.”) Leo (July 23 – August 22) You mistake a… Read More

(🌌The stars are drunk, the planets are unionizing, and your destiny is written in disappearing ink on a napkin from Arby’s.) ♈ Aries (March 21… Read More

Moon in Don’t Even Ask, Sun in Just Let It Happen Your fate and horoscopes today are sponsored by expired breath mints and last year’s… Read More

(Horoscopees with 40% more hallucination.) ♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)You will attempt to “alpha” a statue today. The statue will win. Stop yelling… Read More

Let’s be honest: birthday parties aren’t for celebrating life—they’re for testing the limits of your tolerance for social discomfort, cake-related drama, and “just one more… Read More

Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your roar sounds suspiciously like a yawn today. Mars ignites your ambition but forgets to pack lunch. Someone will mistake… Read More

♈ Aries (March 21–April 19) Avoid escalators, honest conversations, and women named “Brayden.” Wear a rain hat with secrets sewn into the brim. ♉ Taurus… Read More