Daily Irregular Horoscopes. July 30, 2025

(Horoscopees with 40% more hallucination.)

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will attempt to “alpha” a statue today. The statue will win. Stop yelling at power lines—they are not ignoring you on purpose. Tonight, someone will mistake your enthusiasm for help. Let them.

♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A one-eyed, hairless dog at a rest stop in New Jersey warns that when the raven flies over the House of Usher, mutant rays emanating from the planet Gilliganus will be reflected Earthward. You can keep your cosmic souffle from sinking by lining your house with aluminum foil and never looking directly at Elon Musk.

♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’re legally obligated to stop starting cults in book clubs. Also: your clone is almost ready, but it has opinions about soup. Someone named “Chaz” will DM you with unsolicited astrology advice. He’s not wrong.

♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your emotions today are shaped like inflatable pool toys. Don’t trust any man with elbow patches or a cargo pocket count over six. Tonight’s dream will feature an ex, a mime, and your seventh-grade gym socks. Interpret freely.

♌ Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your roar is mighty. Your Wi-Fi is weak. A spotlight will find you today, possibly during a funeral or at the DMV. Don’t let shame slow your roll. Also, the bluebird at your window knows your secrets.

♍ Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your request to change your birth date legally so that it coincides with the Aztec calendar turns the worldwide judicial community on its briefs. Bill Gates likes the idea, however, and promptly releases Windows 8736 with a cool screen saver in which his face morphs into the image of the Sun God. Your lucky number is ∞.

♎ Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You will fall in love with someone’s voice in a parking garage. They’re not real, but it’s still valid. Your aura is tinted “tax evasion peach.” Embrace the chaos of mismatched socks and conflicting emotions.

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Proctor and Gamble, the twin gods of discord, have rewired the thermostats in all the appliances in the constellation of Amana. Will Amana’s sacred hound, Algorithm, be able to reset the thermostats in time to save the Festival of the Swisher King and restore harmony to the zodiac? Your guess is as good as mine. Your eyes may glow later. This is fine.

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Sagittarians are ruled by the liver and the axillae. To maintain optimal health avoid fats, gravies, cream, butter, and chocolate. Consume Lucullan amounts of fruits and raw vegetables each day instead after holding them under your armpits for fifteen minutes while jogging in place as you watch a Richard Simmons “Sweating to the Oldies” DVD—if you can find one..

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You’re building a fortress out of invoices and broken promises. Good. You will receive a vision during a Zoom meeting—don’t ignore it, even if it involves a pony, three spatulas, and Judge Judy. Your time is near.

♒ Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your family makes headlines when the ghost of Betty Crocker appears at a cooking ware demonstration in your rec room with a recipe for apple pan dowdy that will bring peace to the world. Senile Aunt Edna, claiming that Crocker pinched the recipe from her, throws a rolling pin that passes through Crocker, shattering a valuable Princess Di thermometer.  
 

♓ Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
You will receive a telepathic message from a forgotten cereal mascot. Listen. Paint something with your eyes closed. Cry into your tea. Laugh at your toothbrush. It’s all a poem, baby.

For additional horoscopes from hell, explore the full archive and see just how deep the cosmic rabbit hole goes.

⚠️ Satire rules here. If you are looking for facts, bring your own. If you are looking for spiritual, economic, or moral counseling, try prayer. Just do not bring any lawyers around this entertainment-only venue.