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Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Technology

New Study Suggests: Obesity Is Weighing Down the Human Soul

philmaggitti 4 years

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa–A new study published in Applied Psychological Measurement suggests that the obesity epidemic has begun to make quantifiable inroads on the human soul. The… Read More

Technology

Updates for Old White Man Apps Due from Apple, Google

philmaggitti 4 years

CUPERTINO, CA–Apple and Google are locked in a hair-pulling, eye-gouging, (nut)-smacking contest to see who can get to market first with a significant upgrade for… Read More

Technology

Apple iPhone 12 Contains Fecal Finder™ App

philmaggitti technology 4 years

In its rollout of the iPhone 12, Apple seems to have saved one of the most revolutionary features of its gear new phone for last:… Read More

Technology

Killer Kwanzaa App Suspected of Causing Computer Crashes

philmaggitti 5 years

WEST CHESTER, PA–The Killer Kwanzaa app, offered free through the Black Lives Matter (BLM) website, is suspected of forcing its way onto the tablets, mobile… Read More

"The Amish can retrofit everything from cell phones to hair curlers to dildoes so that they all run on propane."

Technology

Propane-Driven Vape Pens Blamed for Three Deaths in Amish Country

philmaggitti 7 years

Bird in Hand, PA–News of the deaths of three unrelated Amish youth–Jacob Stolzfus, 18, Lucas Stolzfus, 19, and Cyrus Martin, 21–has exploded like after-market vape… Read More

Technology

Hello Barbie Hears All and Tells All

philmaggitti 10 years

Something called the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (CCFC) wants you to know that Hello Barbieâ„¢ is the most sordid and contemptible toy ever sold… Read More

Technology

Windows 10 Officially Labeled Malware by NCSA

philmaggitti 11 years

The National Computer Security Association (NCSA) has announced that Windows 10, the aggressively marketed new operating system from Microsoft, now qualifies as malware. The NCSA,… Read More

Technology

Apple To Reveal Shocker at Annual Event

Biff Scuzzy 11 years

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca.–As the tech world holds its breath waiting for Apple’s Christmas-in-September party today, rumors are swirling that the Cupertino giant has a major… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.