Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Salad dressing on the side or on the top?

MB

Marlowe Brint, artisnal jewelry designer

Reportedly outside Santa Fe, NM

On the side, obviously. A salad should retain the illusion of free will until the very last moment. Once dressed, it has chosen a direction and can never go back.

EV

Evelyn Voss, lobster fisher person

May once have lived in Bangor, ME

I prefer it on top, but only in a thin ceremonial line, as priests once applied oils to objects they feared and respected. A salad without dressing is just yard work in a bowl.

CK

Clyde Ketter, attack dog trainer

Unverified, but emphatically from Akron, OH

Neither. The correct approach is to keep the dressing nearby in a separate vessel and let the salad absorb its presence psychologically. That is how my father did it, and his lettuce feared him.

Adverse Effects

The following lines may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.

Charlie Sheen Top Ten Signs You Ate Magic Mushrooms

20 years Biff Scuzzy top ten lists

Image of as young child holding a mushroom.

Charlie Sheen has voiced a cautionary note about the use of magic mushrooms to combat depression, anxiety, and drug dependence. In spite of positive reports from Johns Hopkins researchers about the potential of mushrooms to effect long-lasting, positive changes in mood and behavior, Mr. Sheen warns against “looking for a shortcut” to improved mental health.

“I’ve eaten my share of mushrooms,” said Mr. Sheen, “and I’m still as depressed, anxious, and drug dependent as I ever was.”

Mr. Sheen also said he regretted slipping magic mushrooms into a turkey tetrazini dinner that he once prepared for his estranged wife, Denise Richards.

“To my mind,” said Mr. Sheen, “that was far worse than gambling, drinking, or whoring around.”

Mr. Sheen said that although he had paid for his misadventure–”my wife rode me like a merry-go-round for seven hours”–he still felt obliged to help others recognize signs that the mushrooms they ate were magic mushrooms.

an image

10. Two-and-a-half men look like five men.

9. The world trade center bombing looks like a government conspiracy.

8. You see dead people.

7. Dead people see you.

6. Intelligent design begins to make sense.

5. Cannot remember passwords to dark web sites.

4. Nicole Richie’s love handles turn you on.

3. You forget the difference between your bum and a hole in the ground.

2. You Google yourself to prove you are still alive.

1. Lost $10,000 betting on World Cup finals replay.

We put the list in the listeria, click here before articles like this are gone forever.

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.

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⚡ The FDA has approved the first prescription-strength silence, available in 30-day supplies for patients whose doctors have determined they are talking too much. Side effects include clarity, improved listening, and a brief period of being liked.

⚡ A bipartisan congressional caucus has formed to study the feasibility of doing nothing faster. Early results suggest the group is ahead of schedule.

⚡ Netflix has announced a new content category called Shows You Will Start But Not Finish, to be featured prominently alongside Things You Have Already Seen Twice and Movies You Forgot You Watched. Subscribers describe the experience as having a lot of options.