Dystopian and Dynamic Horoscopes
(Horoscopes transmitted via the Orbital Bureau of Predictive Malaise)
â™ðŸª VIRGO Your biometric signature is trending. Unfortunately, in today’s dynamic horoscopes it is trending in the “flagged for review” quadrant. Today, a minor clerical error in the Ministry of Ancestral Debt may result in your great-grandmother being exhumed and retroactively fined for emotional excess. You will feel it in your lower back. Avoid eye contact with drones bearing citrus insignia.
♎🪠LIBRA The supreme high muckety muck algorithm has decided you are “too symmetrical.” Expect a visit from the Bureau of Aesthetic Disruption. They will offer you a complimentary asymmetry kit: one shoe, one regret, one castanet, and a pamphlet titled “Embrace the Lopsided.” Romance is possible if you can convincingly mispronounce your own name.
â™ðŸª SCORPIO Your shadow has begun filing independent tax returns. This is a sign, but not a good one. The stars suggest you stop whispering your secrets to vending machines. They have begun to gossip. A stranger in a trench coat will offer you a map. It leads nowhere. Follow it.
â™ðŸª SAGITTARIUS You will be haunted by the ghost of a discontinued cooking app. It wants closure and its recipes back. Give it a five-star review and a heartfelt apology for deleting it during Mercury retrograde in May 2020. Your lucky number is 404. Your unlucky number is also 404. Interpret accordingly.
♑🪠CAPRICORN Today’s forecast: mild existential dread with a chance of bureaucratic hail. You wll receive a letter from the Department of Temporal Misuse accusing you of “living in the past.” Plead guilty. The future is overrated. Your aura smells faintly of expired ambition and dirty snow.
♒🪠AQUARIUS You have been selected for a randomized empathy audit. Please report to the nearest government run feelings kiosk and describe the sensation of watching a balloon deflate in slow motion. Bonus points if you cry in binary. Your dreams tonight will be sponsored by a toothpaste brand that no longer exists.
♓🪠PISCES A pigeon will deliver a message. It is encrypted in coo. Decipher it using your third-most neglected emotion. You will be tempted to join a cult that worships discontinued breakfast cereals. Resist. Or don’t. Either way, your socks will rebel.
♈🪠ARIES You will wake up convinced you are a minor character in someone else’s flashback. You are right. The stars advise you to speak only in metaphors today. Preferably aquatic. Your charisma is peaking, but only in subterranean environments. Consider spelunking.
♉🪠TAURUS Your refrigerator has begun composing poetry. It is mostly about loneliness and expired yogurt. Listen closely. There is wisdom in mold. Later today a stranger will ask you for directions to a place you cannot provide directions to. Tell him he can’t get there from here. You will both feel better.
♊🪠GEMINI You will receive a notification from the Cosmic App Store: “Update available for your personality.” Decline. You are already too many people. Today’s mood: glitchy with undertones of nostalgia for futures that never happened. Avoid mirrors. They are feeling judgmental.
♋ðŸªCANCER Your emotional firewall is down. Feelings may leak. Patch with sarcasm and archival footage of your childhood birthday parties. A bureaucrat disguised as a barista will ask for your soul in exchange for oat milk. Haggle. You are worth at least almond.
♌🪠LEO You have been cast as the protagonist in a government-funded opera about hubris. Rehearsals begin at dawn. Wear something regal and slightly unhinged. Your roar will be mistaken for a protest chant. Lean in. Today, you are both spectacle and warning.
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