Fighting the Ten Most Common Side Effects of Neurochemical Meds
Drowsiness (The Couch Siren’s Song)
Never leave home without a flask of enchanted coconut water blessed by a hydration shaman. Chew gum infused with the tears of over-caffeinated poets. Whisper moist incantations to your salivary glands nightly. Common with: Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin, Cymbalta, BuSpar, tricyclics
Weight Gain (The Expansion Protocol)
Befriend a sentient treadmill named Carl who offers unsolicited financial advice. Replace snacks with existential questions wrapped in kale. Join a cult that worships portion control and practices interpretive fasting. Common with: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Effexor XR, BuSpar
Insomnia (The Midnight Ping)
Install blackout curtains woven from the wet dreams of insomniacs past. Train a team of your exes’ ghosts to massage your temples with CBD oil and desire. Read ancient tax codes aloud until sleep overtakes you. Common with: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Effexor XR, BuSpar
Sexual Dysfunction (The Libido Vanishing Act)
Bribe a tantric locksmith to spring your desire chakras. Write erotic haikus to your serotonin receptors. Reinvent foreplay with elaborate rituals involving scented candles, interpretive dance, and hidden cameras. Common with: Cymbalta, Lexapro, Zoloft, Effexor XR, Prozac
Nausea (The Gut Rebellion)
Eat only foods that have been blessed by a board-certified gastrointestinal entrails reader. Carry ginger chews in a pouch made from ethically sourced barf bags. Avoid all meals that resemble abstract art. Common with: Cymbalta, Lexapro, Zoloft, Effexor XR, Prozac
Headaches (The Cranial Gong Show)
Wear a crown of peppermint leaves and hum Gregorian chants. Avoid all thoughts heavier than 3 ounces. Keep a headache diary written in disappearing ink and burned ceremonially each full moon. Common with: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Effexor XR, BuSpar
Sweating (The Moist Reckoning)
Bathe in antiperspirant-infused holy water. Dress exclusively in breathable fabrics blessed by desert monks. Learn to interpret sweat patterns as messages from your subconscious Common with: Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Effexor XR, Prozac.
Anxiety (The Paradox Loop)
Build a fortress of weighted blankets and ironic detachment. Practice mindfulness while juggling flaming doubts. Replace panic attacks with interpretive puppet shows about your childhood. Common with: ironically, all of them
Dizziness (The Tilt-a-Whirl Mindset)
Walk only in zigzags to confuse gravity. Consult a retired ballerina for balance training. Replace chairs with gyroscopes and declare vertigo your new aesthetic. Common with: Xanax, Cymbalta, BuSpar, Effexor XR, tricyclides.