Florida’s English-only Driving Exam
The Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles has determined that the ability to operate a multi-ton motorized vehicle rests entirely upon one’s mastery of English-only driving exams.
By banning interpreters and requiring all driver’s examinations be given in English, the state ensures that no driver shall ever again be flummoxed by the deep, metaphysical mysteries of a four-way intersection.
Critics of this edict suggest that a red octagon is a universal symbol for “cease movement,” but Governor DeSantis correctly identifies it as a nuanced vocabulary test.
“If a motorist cannot phonetically sound out the word “STOP,” how can she be trusted to navigate a suburban cul-de-sac?” the governor asked. “We simply cannot have individuals on our roads who treat a ‘Yield’ sign as an abstract suggestion rather than a grammatical imperative.”
The potential consequences of this linguistic purity are troubling to some local officials, who fear an epidemic of non-English speakers coming to grief in the Everglades.
“Without a sign in their native language to warn them, they might think the local wildlife is up for cuddling,” said Harper Lewis, mayor of Everglades City.
“It’s a tragedy of syntax,” explained Wildlife Officer Beatrice Pringle, watching through her large office window as three people attempted to pull a man from a twelve-foot alligator’s grasp.
“A few minutes ago he was probably trying to feed that gator a ham sandwich.
“The gentleman clearly did not understand the ‘Alligator: Do Not Pet’ sign. Because he lacks a firm grasp of English, he likely assumed the creature was an emotional support dog. If he had passed an English-only driving exam, his left arm might still be attached.”
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