Holy Horoscopes: The Saints Have Seized the Console
The Pug Bus regrets that rollicking saints have seized the cosmic switchboard and issued today’s Holy Horoscopes. Their leader, St. Polycarp the Bold, who was martryed for stealing three chickens, believes “we can improve forecasting accuracy.” This claim has been made by other Zodiac pranksters since the invention of the wheel.
🏺 Aries
According to St. Hildegard the Overcaffeinated, you will attempt three projects at once and finish none. She recommends humility although she has never seen you attempt it.
⛪ Taurus
St. Sidacious, who has not moved since 172 BCE, observes that you will cling to a plan long after its use- by date. He predicts you will call this “stability” rather than “stubbornness.”
🗝️ Gemini
St. William of Perpetual Chatter foresees you explaining both sides of an argument you started. He advises silence. You will ignore him before he finishes his sentence.
🕯️ Cancer
St. Dymphna, patron saint of emotional turbulence, notes that you will misinterpret a neutral comment as a personal attack. She suggests journaling, but you prefer brooding.
🧿 Leo
St. Augustine the Theatrical predicts you will enter a room as if unveiling a new gospel. He recommends modesty, but it is not your spiritual gift.
🪬 Virgo
St. Polycarbonate, patron saint of unnecessary precision, sees you reorganizing something that was already organized. He applauds your devotion to order and your inability to relax.
🏆 Libra
St. Catherine of Indecision warns that you will spend the morning weighing options that differ only in packaging. She suggests flipping a coin, but you will interview the coin first.
🪶 Scorpio
St. Jerome the Intensely Suspicious predicts you will uncover a secret that was not hidden. He encourages you to consider that not everything is a conspiracy, though he admits that many things are.
⚱️ Sagittarius
St. Brendan the Overly Adventurous foresees you making a spontaneous decision that derails someone else’s schedule. He admires your optimism and apologizes on your behalf.
📿 Capricorn
St. Martha of Excessive Responsibility notes that you will take on a task no one asked for and then resent everyone for not thanking you. She recommends delegation, which you will ignore.
🪙 Aquarius
St. Anselm the Innovator predicts you will unveil a “revolutionary idea” that is simply a normal idea wearing a halo. He encourages you to rejoin the human race at your earliest convenience.
🩸 Pisces
St. Cecilia of Gentle Confusion sees you drifting into a daydream and calling it divine inspiration. She recommends grounding exercises, though you prefer floating.
For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click here if you dare.