Horoscopes Bottoms Up, 09/07

Aries – Tequila Sunrise
Aries is the human equivalent of a 2 a.m. text that says “I have an idea.” The Tequila Sunrise suits them perfectly: deceptively pretty but loaded with impulsive regret. Aries will wake up tomorrow with a new tattoo that says “YOLO” in Comic Sans, which they will defend until death.

Taurus – White Russian
Taurus believes that calories are an outdated concept. The White Russian is dessert in a glass and the only thing that convinces Taurus to stay out past 9 p.m. Taurus will spend the next week “curating vibes,” which is code for drinking on the couch while rearranging throw pillows.

Gemini – Long Island Iced Tea
Gemini is not two-faced. Gemini is twelve-faced, all of them drunk. The Long Island Iced Tea is their soulmate: five liquors, one personality crisis. Gemini will accidentally join three cults this month, then start their own just to keep things interesting.

Cancer РPi̱a Colada
Cancer drinks a Piña Colada because it feels like a hug and a tropical vacation rolled into one. It is liquid denial. Cancer will cry while watching a commercial for laundry detergent, then write a poem about it.

Leo – Espresso Martini
Leo demands a cocktail that screams, “Look at me.” The Espresso Martini is glamorous, loud, and probably posting this on Instagram right now. Leo will give an impromptu TED Talk at a dinner party about their personal brand. Nobody will stop them.

Virgo – Gin and Tonic
Virgo wants order, precision, and a cocktail that does not clutter the table. The Gin and Tonic is minimalist perfection. Virgo will alphabetize someone else’s bookshelf without permission and then feel smug about the “service” they provided.

Libra – Aperol Spritz
Libra’s life is a constant Instagram story. The Aperol Spritz is photogenic, mildly bitter, and probably takes longer to stage for a picture than to drink. Libra will ghost three people this week because they cannot decide which one they like better.

Scorpio – Negroni
Scorpio does not want a drink. Scorpio wants a mood. The Negroni is dark, mysterious, and slightly dangerous–just like Scorpio’s dating history. Scorpio will seduce someone just to prove they could, then disappear into the night.

Sagittarius – Mai Tai
Sagittarius thinks every bar is an airport lounge. The Mai Tai is their passport to bad decisions. Sagittarius will book a trip to a country they cannot locate on a map and come back with a questionable tattoo and a story nobody believes.

Capricorn – Old Fashioned
Capricorn drinks an Old Fashioned because it tastes like responsibility. It is serious, stiff, and probably disappointed in you. Capricorn will fire someone from their fantasy football league for poor performance.

Aquarius – Mojito
Aquarius loves a Mojito because it involves muddling–an unnecessary step, just like most of Aquarius’ projects. Aquarius will start a commune that collapses after one week due to arguments about who gets to name the goats.

Pisces – Margarita
Pisces needs something salty, messy, and easy to cry into. The Margarita is therapy in a glass. Pisces will write an emotional text to an ex, delete it, then send it anyway.

For additional horoscopes from hell, explore the full archive and see just how deep the cosmic rabbit hole goes.