Haughty Horoscopes, 09/17

â™ˆï¸ Aries ☄ï¸
You are convinced the universe owes you an apology. Sadly, the universe is busy ghosting Pluto and will not return your calls.

â™‰ï¸ Taurus 🌵
You will confuse stubbornness with wisdom today. People will nod politely, but inside they are plotting your early retirement from conversations.

â™Šï¸ Gemini 🎭
Two faces, one brain cell. You will waste time arguing with yourself and still manage to lose.

â™‹ï¸ Cancer 🦀
Clinginess will reach Olympic levels. Even your houseplants will file restraining orders.

â™Œï¸ Leo ðŸ¦
You mistake attention for love again. Spoiler: they clapped because the fire alarm was working, not because of your karaoke.

â™ï¸ Virgo 🧹
You clean obsessively, yet chaos blooms around you. Perhaps the dust bunnies are unionizing.

â™Žï¸ Libra âš–ï¸
Indecision strikes hard. You will spend six hours choosing lunch and then resent the sandwich for being mediocre.

â™ï¸ Scorpio 🦂
Intensity is your middle name. Unfortunately, so is “embarrassing overshare” if you keep texting your ex at 2 a.m.

â™ï¸ Sagittarius ðŸ¹
Your adventurous spirit wants to travel far. Your bank account suggests a brisk walk to the corner store.

â™‘ï¸ Capricorn ðŸ”ï¸
Workaholic tendencies resurface. Congratulations, you have successfully scheduled a nervous breakdown for next Thursday.

â™’ï¸ Aquarius 🌊
You believe you are a visionary. Everyone else thinks you are just Googling conspiracy theories at 3 a.m.

â™“ï¸ Pisces ðŸŸ
Your emotions are louder than a marching band on speed. Wear earplugs or simply weep stylishly in public.

For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.

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