Horoscopes That Are Over the Legal Speed Limit
Aries … Your confidence is intoxicating, but so is your blood alcohol level. Do not text your boss or your ex tonight, especially if they are the same person. The stars advise hydrating, confessing nothing, and blaming Mercury for everything.
Taurus … You are the designated driver of the zodiac–responsible, steady, and resentful. Tonight, however, you may “accidentally” miss your turn to drive. Blame a faulty GPS and an emotional attachment to the bar’s snack mix.
Gemini … You woke up this morning fluent in three new languages: sarcasm, regret, and Uber surcharge. You will meet someone fascinating tonight who is actually your reflection in the restroom mirror. Buy that sucker a drink.
Cancer … Emotional tides are high and so are you. The moon says stop crying about your childhood and start crying about your bank account. You will find your dignity somewhere between B-25 on the jukebox and the restroom hand dryer.
Leo … You will attempt to make an entrance but make a scene instead. That’s fine. Everyone is impressed by your ability to sparkle under fluorescent lights. When someone asks what you do for a living, say “performance art” and walk away in slow motion.
Virgo … Your meticulous plan for a “quiet night in” will collapse under the weight of your inbox and one text that says, “You up?” By 11:47 p.m., you will be alphabetizing cocktail garnishes and arguing with a jukebox about The Smiths.
Libra … Balance is your thing, yet somehow your shoe count never matches your leg count. You will spend the evening diplomatically explaining why karaoke is not foreplay. Love is in the air, but so is carbon monoxide. Check your detector.
Scorpio … You radiate danger and attract people who should have stayed in witness protection. The stars caution you against drunk-messaging anyone whose name starts with a vowel. Your power color today is “restraining order beige.”
Sagittarius … Your motto: “It is not a bad idea if no one stops me.” Unfortunately, everyone is afraid to stop you. Expect spontaneous travel plans, possibly involving a police escort. Philosophical insight strikes at 3 a.m. You will forget it by 3:01.
Capricorn … You have worked hard, and now it is time to reward yourself by pretending not to. A “small celebration” turns into a TED Talk on why you are the only competent adult left on Earth. You will receive applause from strangers and a Venmo request from friends.
Aquarius … You will invent a new cocktail called “The Existential Crisis.” Ingredients: gin, tears, and whatever is left in the fridge. You will spend the evening explaining conspiracy theories about birds to someone who only asked where the bathroom is.
Pisces … You feel everything, everywhere, all at once–including the floor. Romantic prospects look good if your definition of romance includes someone holding your hair back. Neptune whispers: next time, stick to mocktails and bad poetry.
For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.