Hidden Meanings in Today’s Horoscopes, 09/11
♈ Aries The stars have misplaced your common sense behind a vending machine filled with mixed metaphors. In today’s horoscopes you will be inspired to reinvent the wheel, possibly by making it square. That is about as futile as trying to reinvent the zodiac every day. Trust us.
♉ Taurus Venus is well and truly off-script, and romance now resembles a tax audit conducted by a near sighted mime. You will be seduced by a late-night infomercial promising a better life through questionable kitchen gadgets. Your libido will not recover, but your countertop will look like a NASA testing facility.
♊ Gemini Mercury is speaking in Morse code again, despite several warnings. Therefore, your thoughts arrive scrambled, like breakfast in a blender. Communication is possible, but only through sock puppets and passive-aggressive haiku
♋ Cancer The moon is whispering secrets to your bathtub. You are advised to listen. The water knows things now, and it will not repeat itself. Emotional clarity will resemble static. Your finger tips will resemble prunes.
♌ Leo The sun is taking a personal day. You are now the source of your own illumination. Batteries not included. Expect applause from invisible audiences and criticism from your houseplants.
â™ Virgo Saturn demands structure but offers only riddles. Your calendar will dissolve. Time will become a rumor. Appointments will be replaced with cryptic symbols and the scent of forgotten intentions.
♎ Libra Your rising sign has risen too far. It now resides in a penthouse suite and refuses to return your calls. Balance is a myth. You are advised to lower your expectations and raise your eyebrows.
♠Scorpio Pluto is hosting a séance for extinct emotions. You will feel something unfamiliar. It will resemble nostalgia but taste like static. Transformation is inevitable. Dignity is optional.
â™ Sagittarius Jupiter is bloated with unsolicited advice. You will receive wisdom from a sock puppet. It will be correct. You will ignore it. Regret will arrive in a velvet envelope.
♑ Capricorn Mars is sharpening its elbows. Expect confrontation with a stranger who insists that reality is a suggestion. You will lose the argument but gain a new allergy.
â™’ Aquarius Uranus is bored and has started rearranging your furniture. You will stub your toe on a metaphor. Pain will be immediate. Insight will be delayed. Innovation will arrive disguised as inconvenience.
♓ Pisces Neptune is whispering to your dreams in a dialect invented by a frog. You will understand everything and nothing. Art will make sense. Logic will not. Proceed with a laminated exit strategy.
For additional horoscopes from hell, explore the full archive and see just how deep the cosmic rabbit hole goes.
For additional horoscopes from hell, explore the full archive and see just how deep the cosmic rabbit hole goes.