Horsing Around With Horoscopes
Welcome to today’s cosmic corral, where the stars are horsing around, less interested in guiding your destiny than in trampling your dreams underfoot. Forget divine wisdom–this is the universe leaning back with a beer, heckling you from the cheap seats. Consider yourself warned: your zodiac sign is about to be dragged harder than a toddler in Target at nap time.
♈ Aries Congratulations, Aries. You have once again mistaken recklessness for leadership. Charge ahead blindly. The universe is not watching, but your coworkers definitely are–and they are unimpressed.
♉ Taurus Today, you will contemplate buying silk pajamas while eating cereal from a chipped bowl in your underwear. Bravo. You crave luxury but refuse to dress for breakfast.
♊ Gemini Your duality is showing again. Expect to contradict yourself twice before lunch. Everyone is confused, including you. But carry on. Your monologue is riveting in a trainwreck sort of way.
♋ Cancer General Failure has been trying to read your hard drive again. This will cause Fatal Error to reset the gigabyte definition on your computer. Consequently, you will no longer be able to download the censored photos from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.
♌ Leo In your quest for peace of mind, remember one thing: It looks a lot like sleeping sickness, only brighter. Does this mean it shouldn’t be worn after Labor Day? Good question. I certainly would not recommend wearing it on any formal occasions unless you live south of the Equator or in Arkansas.
â™ Virgo Perfection is your prison. You will alphabetize your regrets and color-code your anxieties. Someone will misplace a coaster and you will spiral, but at least your spiral will be symmetrical.
♎ Libra You are an Earth sign, ruled by your intestines. Your colors are brown, yellow, gray and green — the colors of hairballs. Your flower is the deadly nightshade. Your musical notes are 2-flat and Z-sharp. Your numbers are III, V, IX, XIII and XLIV. What does all this add up to? LXXIV, of course.
â™ Scorpio You are mysterious, intense, and slightly terrifying. Today, you will glare at someone for breathing too confidently. Your aura screams “do not approach,” and yet, people still do. Pity them.
â™ Sagittarius Adventure calls, but you forgot your wallet. Again. You will plan a spontaneous trip and cancel it due to existential dread. Your optimism is exhausting, but mildly entertaining.
♑ Capricorn You are climbing the mountain of success, fueled by caffeine and disdain. Today, you will judge someone for smiling too much. Your ambition is admirable. Your joylessness, iconic.
â™’ Aquarius Your life is a closed book. One-size-fits-all clothing doesn’t come in your size. A psychic will try to read your palm, but you are ticklish, and she will cast a spell on you because she thinks you’re laughing at your mustache. Soon everything you eat will taste like macadamia nuts, the first sign of Don Ho syndrome.
♓ Pisces are known for their inability to breed in captivity, their confusion about the direction in which true north lies and their fondness for grain alcohol. This last trait may help to explain the first two, but for all Pisces the cosmic question remains: If your zodiac sign contains fish, why do Pisces rule the feet?
For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.
⚠️ Satire rules here. If you are looking for facts, bring your own. If you are looking for spiritual, economic, or moral counseling, try prayer. Just do not bring any lawyers around this entertainment-only venue.
