Tech Satire from the Bible Belt (Microsoft Buys Christian Software)
Editor’s Note: This relic from our digital Bible Belt catacombs proves that some jokes never go out of date–unlike Internet Explorer. Microsoft may have moved on to AI and cloud dominance, but this little gem reminds us of a time when the biggest news was adding an English-to-Tongues converter to Windows. Consider it a vintage pour of tech satire, served neat. This classic first appeared in the Pug Bus archives in 2007.
Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, Alabama’s leading Christian software producer and proud resident of Opp, the heart of “Silicone Holler.”
Endtimes!, “the inspired binary word of the Lord,” makes open source salvation software for Jesus geeks.
Gates also revealed that Glossolalia 1.1, the long-awaited English-to-Tongues converter from Endtimes!, will now ship with all future editions of Windows. Current Windows users can download a free patch containing Glossolalia 1.1–plus the twenty-three most recent Edge browser security fixes–from Microsoft’s website.
Aloysius McFadden, founder of Endtimes!, praised both God and Microsoft for the acquisition.
“The Lord told me this software would be more popular than our Pig Latin Bible converter and that we should ensure it achieved the deepest market penetration possible,” said McFadden. “What better partner than Bill Gates, who’s got more money than God?”
“From now on,” Mr. McFadden continued, “there’s no need for new charismatics to be tongue-tied in church, the Goodwill Store, the Wal-Mart, or anywhere else where two or more people are gathered in Jesus’ name. Quicker than you can say ‘a wop-bop-a-loo-bop,’ (‘only the elect should be elected’), our new software will have you speaking in tongues like a snake-handling elder.”
Easily understood by any operating system, Glossolalia 1.1 converts simple English sentences into tongues while preserving split infinitives, dangling modifiers, double negatives, and subject-verb disagreements.
Using it is simple: type a word, phrase, or sentence fragment into the conversion box (the one next to the burning-cross icon), mash that icon, and Glossolalia 1.1 will instantly print your input phonetically–”jus’ lack it sounds”–for easy mastery.
For example, type “The Lord don’t love gay folks” into the box, and Glossolalia 1.1 outputs “Jaweh homano swishnay yuck.”
“It’s so easy even my fourteen-year-old cousin can use it,” said Melvin “Six Fingers” Suggs, chief programmer at Endtimes! Software. “I’m gittin’ her one for our first weddin’ anniversary.”
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