Mistakes Experts Make When Reading Canine Behavior

Next to accounts of hideous murders and gruesome influencers’ deaths, clips about reading canine behavior are the most frequently seen on YouTube.

Invariably they are designed to reveal “the hidden meanings” behind dog behaviors. Invariably they are wrong, as the following examples demonstrate.

Reading Canine Behavior in Easy Steps

Begin by observing your dog’s tail. Is it wagging? That means he is happy,  say the experts. No it doesn’t. Dogs also wag their tails when they are nervous, plotting revenge, or watching squirrels commit tax fraud. If a dog’s tail is wagging in Morse code, it is probably spelling “send treats” or “I miss the raccoon.”

Is your dog always kissing you? That is surely a sign of affection. Nope. It is a taste test. Your dog is sampling your skin like a charcuterie board of Milk Bones. If he licks your face, he is checking for salt content and emotional instability. If she licks your feet, she is probably filing a Yelp review titled, “Too much umami. Would Not Recommend.”

Does your dog bring you toys? That is not an invitation to play. It is a hostage negotiation developing. The squeaky duck is a decoy. The real ransom is your soul. If he drops it at your feet and stares, he is  saying, “Play fetch or I’ll join a wolf pack and start a podcast.”

Perhaps the dog behavior that “experts” misread the most is dogs’ eagerness to sleep with people. That is simply strategic. Dogs are heat-seeking missiles in  fur. We are a glorified mattress with anxiety. If dogs snore louder than our existential dread, it is not affection, it is dominance.

YouTube also asserts that it is soulful when a dog makes eye contact with you, it is not. It is a power move. Dogs stare to assert control. That gaze says, “I know what you did with the peanut butter. I saw the texts. I am the alpha now.”

If Your Dog Ignores You Completely

That is the highest form of canine respect. You have transcended the need for understanding. You are now furniture. Sacred, silent, and covered in fur. You have accepted your role as unpaid butler, emotional springboard, and hot water bottle. And your dog is just waiting for you to drop that sandwich.

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