Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

MD

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

RC

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

NV

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Book of Daze Awkward Moments Day

9 months philmaggitti book-of-daze

A jacket that says, — Is that awkward enough for you?”

(Book of Daze Awkward Moments Day, a joyous convulsion of social misfires, cringe worthy rituals, and humanity’s collective inability to read the room. This is the holiday where small talk goes to die, and then gets resurrected by someone saying “So… how’s work?” A sacred observance of sweaty palms, forced laughter, and the slow-motion horror of waving at someone who wasn’t waving at you.

Among the ways to observe Book of Daze Awkward Moments Day are:

Zoom Roulette Every household must initiate a spontaneous Zoom call with no context and maximum facial pores. First person to say “You’re muted!” becomes the Awkward Oracle and must offer vague advice for the rest of the day using only metaphor and passive aggression.

Inbox Archeology Scroll back to the deepest layer of your inbox–preferably 2013. Find the earliest unread message and reply with: “Oops, just saw this!” Could be a dental reminder. Could be a sex cult invite. Either way, destiny has spoken.

Ghosted Text Reanimation Locate one ghosted thread on your phone. Text them: “Happy National Awkward Moments Day. I forgive us.” No emojis. No context. Let the haunted silence stretch across time and space like a yoga instructor who never calls you back.

The Playlist Reckoning Create a playlist exclusively made of songs that used to define you–like “Sk8er Boi,” “Lips of an Angel,” or that Enya phase you don’t talk about. Blast it while maintaining unbroken eye contact with your own reflection. Crying is allowed–but must be done rhythmically and in tempo with Mambo No. 5.

Elevator Eye Contact Marathon Enter an elevator. As soon as the doors open and someone steps in, lock eyes. Begin humming “Send in the Clowns” softly. Do not break contact. Exit on the same floor you entered. Bonus points if you whisper, “We’ve met before … in a dream.”

Bonus Points for Awkward Apparel

A hoodie that says “I’m still overthinking what I said in 2011.”
Socks that say “Don’t read this.”
T-shirts with at least one word misspelled.

Browse the full Book of Daze

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.