Major media outlets have long been guilty of ignoring writing style guides, but recently the infractions have grown mythic. BuzzFeed, ever the chaotic neutral, made skid marks on the lawn of illustrations by captioning a meme with “This is peak chaos,” thus summoning the silent wrath of the virality gods.… Read More
Pumpkin spice recipes are not merely a seasonal flavor trend—they are a cultural mirror, reflecting America’s obsession with comfort, conformity, and consumerism disguised as nostalgia. Pumpkin spice did not ask for power. It seized it. What began as a humble blend of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and cloves—once relegated to pies… Read More
AI-generated horoscopes are algorithmic prophecies that claim to know your emotional state based on the moon’s proximity to your Wi-Fi router. Unlike analog horoscopes, which rely on centuries-old, coffee-srained celestial charts and the interpretive flair of grizzled mystics with incense addictions, AI-generatrd horoscopes are created by predictive models trained on… Read More
Step right up, pilgrim to the horoscope hotline. The stars have dusted off your high-school yearbook, drawn their six-shooters, and are about to fire your old nickname straight through your ego. There will be no safe spaces here, no second chances, and no appeals to Mercury in retrograde. This is… Read More
Advice for truth seekers now that God is dead and Nietzsche is taking your letters. Q: Dear Nietzsche,I have been at the same job for twelve years and feel invisible. Everyone younger gets promoted. Should I reinvent myself or just accept my fate? A: Dear Cog in the Machine,Do not… Read More
The latest avant-garde gallery is drawing rapt attention and hordes of visitors by mounting absolutely no visual content. This newest art fad can be “seen” in the Museum of Subtle Absence, housed in a converted WeWork in Brooklyn’s “Post-Ironic District.” The exhibit features 40,000 square feet of pristinely empty space.… Read More
♈ Aries … You are the algorithm’s favorite son or daughter today. Swipe boldly and with gusto, but verify at least twice. A forgotten subscription may be draining your score. Cancel it and ascend. ♉ Taurus … Your credit score craves consistency. Stabilize your spending and resist the siren song… Read More
Kim Kardashian blaming ChatGPT for failing her law exams is like blaming a mirror for your bad haircut. This is the same woman who once tried to trademark the word “Kimono” for sleepwear, posed crying over a lost earring in the ocean while surrounded by literal billionaires, and famously declared,… Read More
Welcome to today’s cosmic editorial, where the stars pretend to care and we pretend to believe them. Jupiter is drunk, Mercury is ghosting everyone, and the moon is in a mood. As for the meaning of life? It is not found in your inbox, your birth chart, or your overpriced… Read More
At long last, the federal government has unveiled the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program, a taxpayer-funded initiative designed to rescue itinerant evangelists from the perils of doorbell diplomacy. Decades of slammed doors, garden-hose ambushes, and irate Labradors have taken their toll on these soft-shoed missionaries of pamphlet and portents. Jehovah’s Witness… Read More
Why buy a bird when the universe is handing them out to anyone unhinged enough to ask? From séance turkeys to quantum buffets, here are ten gloriously deranged paths to your free Thanksgiving turkey. 1. The Séance StrategySummon the ghost of last year’s turkey. Demand restitution. Most spectral turkeys are… Read More
Every year, like clockwork, our culture manufactures a new holiday to celebrate the triumph of impulse over reason. Thus we arrive at Skip Your Medication Day—a bold experiment in natural selection disguised as self-care. It is the one day when the nation’s pill organizers may rest, their tidy compartments unsnapped,… Read More
Every November 3 (or whatever date looks least credible on a calendar), we pause to celebrate the eternal struggle between sound and sense: Book of Daze: Misheard Lyrics Day. On this special occasion, we honor the millions of people who have confidently sung nonsense for decades—people who believe their ears… Read More
Aries — Your ruling planet is caffeine. Your current mood is “burn it all down and start a podcast.” Someone will call you impulsive today. You will call them boring. Both are correct. Taurus — You crave stability but have been trying to ground yourself through dessert. The stars suggest… Read More
Hyphenated last names are the linguistic equivalent of duct-taping two egos together and calling it a legacy. They are Frankensteinian name-chimeras, stitched from the vanity of two people who could not bear to let go of a single syllable of their ancestral glory. These are not names. They are genealogical… Read More
