Phish Song Meanings in Horoscopes

Seekers of cosmic truth and frequenters of the general admission line: today, the celestial bodies have aligned in the shape of a giant, glow-in-the-dark, rainbow-colored donut. To lead us through this portal, we have invited the four horsemen of the Vermont apocalypse to serve as our guest prognosticators. They  emerged from their practice barn, smelling of patchouli and expensive herbs, to tell you how the universe intends to rawdog you  this week. Do not expect clarity. Expect seventeen-minute metaphors and the possibility that your destiny is being controlled by a vacuum cleaner.

♈ Aries – “Tweezer”

You will spend the day chasing your tail with the intensity of a man looking for his car in a festival parking lot at 3:00 AM. Control is an illusion, much like the idea that this song will ever end.

♉ Taurus – “Wolfman’s Brother”

A relative will visit you this week and demand that you acknowledge their new hairpiece. It is suspicious, it is furry, and it is definitely not your real brother. Lean into the funk of the situation or risk being bitten by reality.

♊ Gemini – “Split Open and Melt”

Your personality is currently undergoing a structural failure. You might find yourself arguing with a toaster about the merits of decentralized finance. Do not panic when your brain begins to liquefy; it is simply making room for a new, weirder ego.

♋ Cancer – “The Lizards”

You are convinced that you are a sophisticated creature of grace, but you are actually a person in a green jumpsuit standing on a table. Avoid any knights named Jim, as they are notoriously bad at following directions.

♌ Leo – “Wilson”

The stars suggest that you are acting like a local tyrant. Everyone is chanting your name, but it is not because they like you; it is because they are waiting for you to fall off your high horse and into the orchestra pit.

♍ Virgo – “Reba”

You will attempt to organize your life by mixing together various household chemicals and a small rubber ball. The resulting explosion will be surprisingly melodic, though your kitchen will never be the same. Remember to whistle while you scrub the walls.

♎ Libra – “Character Zero”

You are going to see a man with a multi-colored shirt who promises you the secrets of the universe. He is actually just trying to sell you a lukewarm veggie burrito. Your sense of reality will be tested by a very loug guitar solo.

♏ Scorpio – “Carini”

The universe has a lumpy head, and it is coming for you. People are screaming when they see you, which is either a sign of your overwhelming power or the fact that you have forgotten your pants again.

♐ Sagittarius – “Run Like an Antelope”

Your legs are moving faster than your brain, which is a recipe for running directly into a stationary object. You are out of control, you are a freak, and you really need to find a place to park that energy before the authorities arrive.

♑ Capricorn – “Harry Hood”

You are feeling very good about yourself, which is usually the first sign of an impending disaster. Enjoy the glow while it lasts, but be prepared for the moment the lights go out and you realize you are standing in a field holding a glowstick.

♒ Aquarius – “Ghost”

You feel like you are being followed by the spirit of your past mistakes. Instead of running, try to engage them in a mid-tempo dance. It turns out your regrets have a very solid bass line and a penchant or improvisational theater.

♓ Pisces – “Divided Sky”

You will spend most of your time staring at the clouds and waiting for a sign that never comes. Eventually, you will realize that the sign was actually a bird with a judgmental expression. Stay still for three minutes and pretend you are a statue.

For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click right here if you dare.

⚠️ Satire rules here. If you are looking for facts, bring your own. If you are looking for spiritual, economic, or moral counseling, try prayer. Just do not bring any lawyers around this entertainment-only venue.