Pope Leo Hosts Vatican Exorcism Summit
Alarmed by reports of a worldwide surge in Satanism, occultism, and spiritual incontinence, Pope Leo XIV convened a Vatican exorcism summit. The March 13 meeting with the International Coalition of Exorcists (ICE) focused on the church’s concern that too many people are dabbling in dark forces, esotericism, and assorted demonic cosplay.
“This is no longer a fringe problem,” said Father Domenico Vile, the pope’s HMFIC of Satanic confrontation, while adjusting a crucifix the size of a hubcap. “Ten years ago Satanism meant a candle, a goat skull, and a teenager in eyeliner. Now it has branding, subscription tiers, and a podcast.”
According to Vatican sources, Pope Leo listened gravely as exorcists described outbreaks of Satanic behavior around the world, including hedge fund managers in London sacrificing ethics for bonuses, tech founders in San Francisco attempting to replace God with an app, and a wellness circle in Los Angeles charging $480 to help participants “manifest their inner demon with intention.”
In Buenos Aires, one woman joined a moon ritual only to discover it was conducted by six influencers taking turns crying into imported salt. In Berlin, an underground cabal was exposed after neighbors complained of chanting, though attendees insisted it was merely an immersive coworking exercise. In Florida, authorities remain baffled by a roadside ministry that appears to worship both Lucifer and bass fishing.
“The devil used to whisper,” said Monsignor Paolo Frittata, the pope’s personal chef. “Now he posts engagement bait and sells merch.”
The pope, determined to meet the crisis head-on, issued a papal encyclical entitled “Da Diabolo quod scrotum est,” and has launched a GoFundMe drive of the same title with proceeds slated for holy water refills, emergency Latin retraining, travel-size crucifixes, and what one Vatican official described as “basic anti-demonic infrastructure.”
The fundraiser had already drawn strong support from frightened grandmothers, lapsed Catholics, and several billionaires hoping an exorcism might count as reputational cleanup. One anonymous donor gave $6.66 by mistake, then immediately sent another $93.34 “to square things with the boss upstairs.”
Vatican insiders say Pope Leo remains calm but realistic. “We are not panicking,” he told reporters., “but when Satan outperforms the church among people in the crucial under-thirty-five demographic, it is fair to say we have a messaging issue.”
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