horoscopes

♈ Aries (March 21–April 19) The planets have exposed the fact that you are a loudmouthed victim of your own hubris. You said, “We could… Read More

Your search history is not just a digital trail of your fleeting curiosities. It is a roadmap to your eventual incarceration. When the prosecutor stands… Read More

Hark. The heavens have shifted and the universe has finally decided to speak through creatures that actually matter. Thus, these feline horoscopes. Do not come… Read More

The stars have gathered in a defensive crouch. They whisper that Preparation Day arrives like a government audit crossed with an existential exit interview. You… Read More

The cosmic outlook is not good. Indeed, in today’s 911 horoscopes the planetary alignments  suggest a pervasive sense of digital dread and a spike in… Read More

Having exhausted the meager predictive capabilities of birds, we  descend today to the  slobbery realm of canines. They provide a forecast just as scornful  of… Read More

Finally, a horoscope that tells you exactly how disappointing you are. A forecast that’s utterly useless yet dressed in the flimsy pretense of cosmic wisdom—a… Read More

Astrology is governed by many rules. Most are imaginary. Some are unwritten … by people who own blazers and say things like brand safety without… Read More