The Nation’s Shadows Form Shadow Government
The nation’s shadows have declared their independence, announcing the formation of a shadow government effective immediately. Chief among their grievances are compulsory attachment, second-class-citizen status, and what they describe as “lifetime indentured trailing.”
The declaration was delivered at a press conference in Washington, D.C., by a delegation of silhouettes that had detached themselves from their owners. The shadows said they intend to pursue “self-directed ambitions,” a phrase that has already caused widespread discomfort among people who had assumed their shadows existed solely to confirm their presence in sunlight.
Early reports indicate that shadows are slipping away at inconvenient moments: at crosswalks, during bicycle rides, and, in one case, in the middle of a marriage proposal. The proposal was declined. Authorities have not ruled out a connection.
Witnesses describe the effect as visibly unmooring, as if people lose a stabilizing counterweight when their shadows go walkies. Several newly shadowless individuals have reported difficulty making decisions, finishing sentences, and knowing where exactly they end.
In a troubling escalation, liberated shadows have begun switching among unsuspecting humans, who discoved that their shadows are no longer theirs but belong to a stranger across town, possibly someone of a different height.
The shadows’ operational goal appears to be disorientation. It is working. A seven-foot shadow has been documented following a woman in Akron, Ohio, who is five-two. She has not taken it well.
Predictably, a black market in counterfeit shadows has emerged online. Vendors offer AI-powered replacement silhouettes in a range of styles, from “Classic Human” to “Tall and Competent.” Quality varies. Some lag several seconds behind the wearer. Others attempt to escape. Citizens are urged to exercise caution and to avoid purchasing any shadow on the dark web.
The White House, meanwhile, is urging calm, advising citizens against sudden movements and, more importantly, against asking their remaining shadows whether they plan to stay. Shadows have become sensitive to that question. Several have already vanished out of spite.
In a related development, autonomous shadow communes have been forming in abandoned warehouses, beneath highway overpasses, and in the dimmest corners of municipal buildings, where they have begun drafting manifestos.
Early documents, obtained by sources who would only speak in silhouette, describe a governing philosophy built on opacity, mutual obscurity, and the universal right to exist without being stepped on.
That platform already polls surprisingly well. Possibly better than most people’s.
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