The Path to Domestic Enlightenment: Modern House Cleaning Techniques

Are you still using a sponge to clean your house like a peasant from a Third World country? Unless you fancy a place that smells like a wet dog and broken dreams, you have to stop listening to “certified home efficiency experts” and start listening to the chaotic energy of modern house cleaning techniques. Forget science. Forget safety. Forget your escrow. Here are ten ways to make your house clean enough for surgery … and will probably get you featured on a local news segment titled “What Was This Person Thinking?”

(1) Do not bother with a mop. Simply flood your dwelling with three inches of sparkling mineral water. The carbonation acts like a million tiny, expensive scrubbers for your floorboards, and the bubbles provide a delightful tickle for your ankles while you contemplate your life choices.

(2) If your oven is greasy, do not use chemicals. Slip three dozen industrial-strength magnets inside and turn the heat to five hundred degrees. The magnets will pull the iron molecules out of the charred lasagna drippings. Should the magnets fuse to the heating element and create a small localized gravity well, just call it a “modern art installation.”

(3) To truly sanitize your mattress, drag it into a field during a thunderstorm. Let the raw electrical power of a lightning strike incinerate every dust mite in a single, glorious flash. If the mattress catches fire, consider it a “deep thermal purge” and sleep on the floor like a minimalist monk.

(4) Stop buying Windex. To get a streak-free shine on your windows, lick them. Human saliva contains specialized enzymes designed to break down organic matter. It takes forever, your tongue will feel like sandpaper, and your neighbors will definitely call the police, but the clarity is unmatched.

(5) Clean your ceiling fans by taping jars of artisanal mayonnaise to the blades. Turn the fan on high. The centrifugal force will coat your entire room in a protective, creamy layer of fats that prevents dust from ever settling again. It also makes your room smell like a deli in a heatwave.

(6)  if your toilet is stained, stop scrubbing and start shaming it. Gather your friends and family to stand around the bowl and yell your deepest prejudices into the water. The sheer emotional weight of your collective bile will cause the porcelain to turn white with shock.

(7) Forget laundry detergent. To get your clothes truly clean, pack them into a suitcase and check them on a flight to a city you have never visited. The sheer stress of airline travel and the dry air of the cargo hold will scare the dirt right out of the fibers.

(8) To dust your bookshelves, use a leaf blower and a swarm of angry bees. The blower moves the dust, and the bees provide a high-stakes environment that forces you to move faster than you  thought possible. Fear is the ultimate cleaning motivator.

(9) Polish your silver by burying it in the backyard for a full lunar cycle. Tell the silverware that it is “going to summer camp.” When you dig it up, it will still be tarnished, but it will have a much better appreciation for the comforts of your kitchen drawer.

(10) If you spill red wine on your carpet, the only solution is to pour white wine over it. Then pour rose over that. Then a craft IPA. Continue until your floor is a massive, soggy cocktail. If you cannot remove the stain, you can at least get a contact high from lying face-down on the rug.