Top Ten Complaints Mrs. Google Receives About Google Search Results
Being the librarian of the entire world is a thankless job. Mrs. Google sits atop her digital mountain, sifting through collective grievances about Google search results. These grievances are proof that the human species has forgotten how to laugh, how to read context, and, quite frequently, how to spell.
If you were to peek into Mrs. Google’s in box, you would find that the complaints are rarely about technical failures; they are almost exclusively about the fragility of the human ego.
These are the ten most frequent grievances filed by a baffled and bewildered public.
1. The “That Anonymous Idiot Is Clearly Me” Complaint
This is by far the most popular submission. A reader encounters a satirical description of a person doing something foolish—perhaps kicking a police vehicle—and immediately recognizes their own reflection. They write to Mrs. Google demanding the removal of the piece on the grounds of privacy, failing to realize that by claiming the anonymous idiot is them, they are effectively confessing to being the idiot in question.2. The “I Am Offended on Behalf of Someone Else” Complaint
In this scenario, the reader is not personally offended, but they are deeply concerned that a hypothetical person somewhere else might be. They demand the article be taken down to protect this imaginary victim from potential distress. Mrs. Google usually files these directly into the shredder, as she cannot police the internet based on the feelings of people who do not exist.3. The “Satire Is False News” Complaint
Hard to believe but there are readers who believe that everything written on a screen must be accurate. When they read a piece on a sarire site likeThe Pug Bus reporting that gravity has been cancelled due to budget cuts, they write furious emails citing physics textbooks. They demand a retraction, arguing that gravity is, in fact, still operational.4. The “I Clicked the Wrong Thing and Now I Am Mad” Complaint
These come from users who searched for “apple pie recipes” and somehow ended up reading a political manifesto. Rather than clicking the “back” button, they choose to write a three-page essay blaming the website owner for their reader’s own inability to navigate a search engine.5. The “Your Ad Suggested I Am Old” Complaint
When a user reads an article and sees an advertisement for arthritis cream or retirement planning, they often take it as a personal insult. They demand to know why the website thinks they are geriatric, ignoring the fact that they have spent the last three hours searching for “comfortable shoes” and “why does my back hurt.”6. The “Grammar Police” Citation
This user ignores the substance of the article to focus on a misplaced comma in the third paragraph. They write with the authority of a tenured professor, suggesting that the entire website is invalid because the author ended a sentence with a preposition. It is a lonely existence, but someone has to do it.7. The “This Medical Advice Will Kill Me” Complaint
Satirical articles often contain hyperbolic health suggestions, such as “eating a brick is a good source of minerals.” Invariably, someone will write to complain that bricks are bad for teeth and that the website is endangering public health. Mrs. Google sighs and wonders how the species has survived this long.8. The “You Are Watching Me” Complaint
A reader will finish an article about paranoia and immediately accuse the author of spying on them reader through his or her webcam. Then demand to know how the writer knew they were eating cheese at 3:00 AM, not realizing that everyone is eating cheese at 3:00 AM.9. The “I Do Not Get It” Complaint
This is the most honest of all complaints. The user simply states that the joke went over their head and, therefore, the joke must be bad. They request that the author rewrite the piece to be less clever so that they may enjoy it without having to think.10. The “Delete the Internet” Demand
Finally, there is the user who simply disagrees with the premise of an article so vehemently that they believe the only solution is to delete the entire webpage. They do not want to debate; they want the digital equivalent of burning the library because they did not like the font on the cover of one book.We put the list in the listeria, click here before articles like this are gone forever.