The Gilded Palace of Spin: President Trump’s White House Changes
Historians are weeping into their archival gloves about President Donald J. Trump’s White House changes, which, they say, threaten to transform the historic residence into a gilded monument to rampant ego.
The Sun Rises in the East Room
The East Wing will bereplaced with a twenty-four-karat-gold ball room the size of a football field, topped by a rotunda shaped like the president’shead.
“This is not narcissism,” Trump said. “It is architecture. Big difference.”
Among the more unusual additions to the White House are a rotating presidential throne in the Oval Office that plays “Hail to the Chief” in dubstep, a tanning bed installed in a small room beside the Lincoln Bedroom (“Lincoln was pale. Very sad!”), and a huge animatronic eagle perched atop the North Portico roof that screeches “MAGA!” every hour on the hour.
The Situation Room, rebranded as the “Winning Room,” now features slot machines and a feed of cable news pundits crying played on a loop.
The president’s supporters are euphoric. “This is the most American thing I have ever seen,” said one MAGA influencer while livestreaming from the new Trump-branded hot tub installed in a glass kiosk on the South Lawn. “Finally, a president who understands that democracy ought to sparkle.”
Critics, meanwhile, are less enthused. “He has turned the White House into a Vegas buffet with nuclear codes,” lamented one former staffer. “The Resolute Desk now dispenses Diet Coke, and the only way you get a steak around there is well done.”
Why Trump’s White House Changes
Trump’s motivations appear to be a blend of revenge, branding, and cosmic performance art.
“They said I could not win again,” he declared during a press conference held in the newly constructed Mirror Room, where every surface reflects his face. “So I made the White House win. Tremendously.”
Even the White House website has gotten some feather spary. It now includes a “Trump Timeline” that begins in 1776 with the caption “America was great, then it got sad, then I fixed it.”
The official seal has been replaced with a golden T surrounded by fireworks and bald eagles wearing sunglasses.
Whether all of this is distasteful or world class trolling remains unclear. One thing is certain: the White House has never looked more like a casino designed by a Roman emperor on a Red Bull binge.
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