Paris Hilton Planning Car Wash Chain

Paris Hilton, riding the afterburn from her hyper-glossy Carl’s Jr. commercial—an ad best remembered for its slow-motion sudswork and a Bentley that seemed to move even while parked—is expected to announce a new business venture today: a chain of membership-only boutique car washes across North America.

The idea, insiders say, came after the sixty-second clip on spicyparis.com nearly melted the servers during its launch. The combination of luxury vehicles, dramatic lighting, and Hilton’s signature wink generated so much traffic that the site briefly shut itself down “for a nap.”

“I guess people really do believe that cleanliness is next to fabulousness,” Hilton said, “especially when their cars sparkle like they just stepped off a runway.”

Sam Buttofuco, president of the Car Wash Association of America, believes the moment is right for what he calls a “velvet-rope rinse experience” aimed at drivers who want their vehicles pampered as extravagantly as their pets.

“Most car washes have all the charm of a laundromat built inside a wind tunnel,” Buttofuco said. “People wait in line because they have no choice. If someone offered a premium alternative with mood lighting and actual ambiance, you would not be able to keep customers away.”

Hilton’s plan aims to fill that gap. Her proposed chain—tentatively named Paris Hilton’s Hot ’n’ Steamy Wash ’n’ Wax—will open in carefully curated, campus-style facilities complete with waiting lounges, soft playlists, and complimentary sparkling beverages.

Each location will include a private viewing bay where customers can relax while watching their vehicles receive what Hilton describes as “high-touch hydro-therapy.” The process uses lamb’s-wool applicators, microfiber blenders, and “zero long-john-grade rags,” Hilton promised.

“As a businesswoman,” she said, “I want to create a place where cars feel appreciated and drivers feel indulged. I also want to keep everything classy. This is about premium care, not cheap gimmicks.”

In regions where local regulations allow private clubs a looser leash on entertainment options, the viewing lounges may include exclusive behind-the-scenes footage from Hilton’s various advertising projects and brand campaigns.

A deluxe detailing session will retail for $49.50 and take approximately thirty minutes.

In other news, Tom Cruise has been invited to appear before the Scientology Sobriety Council following his unusually energetic visit to The Oprah Winfrey Show earlier this week.