Celebrity Shockers | Outrageous Celebrity Moments, Arrests & Meltdowns

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Celebrity Shockers

Nancy Grace Sues Tweety Bird

Biff Scuzzy 19 years

ATLANTA, Ga. – Television talk show lawyer Nancy Grace has filed a $300-million lawsuit against cartoon figure Tweety Bird. Citing extreme mental anguish, “worse even… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Nicole Richie Arrest Sparks Recall of Mercedes-Benz Series

philmaggitti 19 years

LOS ANGELES – The Nicole Richie model SUV has been recalled by Mercedes-Benz, a company spokesman confirmed this morning. The recall, which includes the lightweight… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Lindsay Lohan Accused of Plagiarism

Chip Hilton Lindsay Lohan 19 years

HOLLYWOOD – Lindsay Lohan has been accused of plagiarism by an eighth grade student in Omaha, Nebraska. The student, Shelly Atwater, is a member of… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Wesley Snipes Launches Tax Advice Website

philmaggitti 19 years

OCALA, Fla. – Wesley Snipes talked briefly with reporters yesterday after leaving the courthouse where he had just pleaded not guilty to eight counts of… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Britney Spears Could Lose Custody Fight

philmaggitti Britney Spears 19 years

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears may soon have the Los Angeles Department of Animal Welfare (DAW) up her recently covered butt. Sources tell our sister… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn Star in Break-Up 3

philmaggitti 19 years

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, who would not exist if we hadn’t needed to make them up, have announced to a largely indifferent world the… Read More

Celebrity Shockers Politics

Angelina Jolie Tapped by George Bush to Replace John Bolton

Biff Scuzzy 19 years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A beleaguered and increasingly irrelevant George W. Bush has tapped Angelina Jolie to replace John Bolton as the United States Ambassador to… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Lindsay Lohan Attends DAMM Meetings

Biff Scuzzy Lindsay Lohan 19 years

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan has attended several meetings of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), a former assitant to the singer-actress revealed. In an exclusive,… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.