Celebrity Shockers | Outrageous Celebrity Moments, Arrests & Meltdowns

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Celebrity Shockers

Bono Cancels Clothing Line for the Fashion Impaired

philmaggitti Paris Hilton 19 years

NEW YORK – U2’s lead singer, Bono, perennially one of the worst-dressed white men in the world, has announced the cancellation of the clothing line… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Pamela Anderson Says Kid Rock Didn’t Measure Up to Tommy Lee

Chip Hilton 19 years

LOS ANGELES – A tearful Pamela Anderson wrote on her website yesterday that no matter how many times she married Kid Rock, he came up… Read More

Celebrity Shockers Religion

God Not Attending Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Wedding

Chip Hilton religion, Tom Cruise 19 years

VATICAN CITY – God issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that he won’t attend the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes because he… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Scientology Wedding Secrets

Chip Hilton celebrity shockers, Tom Cruise 19 years

ROME – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will exchange mood rings during a Scientology wedding ceremony this weekend at Odescalchi Castle on Lake Bracciano, twenty… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Bill Cosby Settles Class Action Assualt Claims

Chip Hilton 19 years

PHILADELPHIA – Pitchman Bill Cosby quietly settled a class action suit with an unspecified number of women who had accused him of drugging and sexually… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Britney Spears Divorce Coverage Angers FedEx Corporation

philmaggitti Britney Spears 19 years

NEW YORK – Lawyers representing the FedEx corporation announced yesterday that they are considering legal action against any member of the press who continues to… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Renee Zellweger Retires from Non-animated Films

Chip Hilton 19 years

Renee Zellweger stunned Hollywood yesterday by announcing that her current project, the thriller Case 39, will be her last live-action film. In a statement released by… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Kirstie Alley Covers Her Butt on Oprah Show

philmaggitti 19 years

CHICAGO – Kirstie Ally appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show in a modified bikini yesterday to favor the world with a peek at her new body. Unfortunately,… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.