Celebrity Shockers | Outrageous Celebrity Moments, Arrests & Meltdowns

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Celebrity Shockers

Anna Nicole Smith Case to Be Decided by American Idol Voters

Biff Scuzzy 19 years

NASSAU, The Bahamas – The identity of the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn, will be determined by American Idol voters, a Nassau judge… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Anna Nicole Smith’s Daughter Identifies Her Father

Chip Hilton 19 years

NASSAU, Bahamas – Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn, spoke her first word yesterday, and the news was not good for Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead,… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Lindsay Lohan Vows to Stay the Course

Chip Hilton Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton 19 years

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan, like her favorite president, George W. Bush, is determined to stay the course. Although Britney Spears has moved on from… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Angelina Jolie Adoption Reaches Milestone

philmaggitti 19 years

FLAGSTAFF, Arizona – Angelina Jolie is a long way from breaking Mia Farrow’s parenting record—four biological and ten or eleven adopted kids—but the Tomb Raider star takes… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Angelina Jolie Adoption Spree Inspires New SAT Questions

philmaggitti Britney Spears 19 years

PRINCETON, N.J. – Angelina Jolie’s mad-brained adoption behavior has inspired the Educational Testing Service (ETS) in Princeton, New Jersey, to add several new questions to… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Adoption Request Denied

philmaggitti 19 years

NEW ORLEANS – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have failed in their latest attempt to add to their rainbow family. The actor-activist couple learned yesterday… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Paul McCartney Breaks Silence about Heather Mills

Chip Hilton 19 years

LONDON – A bitter Paul McCartney has finally taken the rag out of his mouth, ending a self-imposed gag order regarding his estranged wife, Heather… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Britney Spears Is the Antichrist, Says Noted Exorcist

Biff Scuzzy Britney Spears 19 years

MALIBU – Britney Spears’ claim to be the Antichrist should not be taken lightly, says James J. LeBar, chief exorcist for the Archdiocese of New… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.