Horoscopes Archives - Page 15 of 24 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Sports car or pick-up truck?

Dale Droot, 58, regional grit consultant

Allegedly parked at 22 Gravel Onion Road, Muncie, IN

Pick-up truck. A sports car says you have unresolved feelings about your hairline. A pick-up says you might help someone move, then mention it for twelve years.

Tessa Clune, 46, fragrance accountability officer

Allegedly reversing carefully at 7 Lilac Spur, Reno, NV

Sports car. I respect a vehicle that announces bad judgment before the driver even opens his mouth. A pick-up truck always looks like it is late to supervise gravel.

Marlene Bix, 69, retired driveway theorist

Allegedly idling at 301 Bent Hydrangea Lane, Utica, NY

Pick-up truck for life, sports car for lunch. One moves mulch, furniture, and shame. The other moves a divorced orthodontist toward a leather jacket he cannot justify.

Twelve zodiac-themed cocktails lined up with astrological symbols above them, each representing a sign’s personality.

What Your Sign Drinks: The Boozy Horoscope Nobody Asked For but Everybody Needed.”

Horoscopes

Horoscopes Bottoms Up, 09/07

philmaggitti horoscopes 9 months

Aries – Tequila SunriseAries is the human equivalent of a 2 a.m. text that says “I have an idea.” The Tequila Sunrise suits them perfectly:… Read More

"Today’s you, yesterday’s you, and undercover-cake-thief you walk into a timeline. Guess who eats the evidence?"

Horoscopes

Horoscopes for the Chronically Unhinged, 09/06

philmaggitti horoscopes 9 months

(Because the chronically unhinged enjoy a good punchline.) Aries – The Hot”‘Headed FirecrackerYour boundless energy will find a worthy opponent: a stubborn office printer that… Read More

"When you realize the vending machine is winning the argument — and charging you rent for the chips."

Horoscopes

Hopeless Horoscopes

philmaggitti horoscopes 9 months

â™ˆ Aries – The Impulsive Firecracker … Today the universe will finally notice how loudly you are shouting, even indoors. Expect a minor catastrophe–like spilling… Read More

"Virgo’s signature scent: Sterile Chic — because nothing says ‘calm down’ like lavender, antiseptic mist, and a freshly sharpened pencil."

Horoscopes

Scented Horoscopes That Mask Your Mistakes

philmaggitti horoscopes 9 months

Today’s scented horoscopes reek of destiny–literally. Each zodiac sign is paired with its own signature bespoke cologne, brewed from suspiciously specific ingredients and meant to… Read More

"The best deal in the Zodiac."

Horoscopes

Horoscopes for the SEO in You

philmaggitti horoscopes 9 months

Today’s horoscopes are sending not questions but search terms. The stars have turned into over-caffeinated SEO interns, assigning each zodiac sign a keyword that will… Read More

A clever horoscope candle melting with a sad face on it.

"Clever Horoscope Forecast: 99% Chance of Bad Decisions"

Horoscopes

Clever Horoscopes for the Not So Clever, September 1

philmaggitti horoscopes, Lindsay Lohan 9 months

(Let us gather the sacred, clever horoscope lint from the cosmic dryer and interpret it with all the solemnity of a mall psychic holding a… Read More

Your Zodiac Signs as Grammar with Taurus pointing to a black board.

"Diagramming sentences because therapy is too expensive."

Horoscopes

Your Grammar Horoscope Signs

philmaggitti horoscopes 9 months

Imagine your zodiac signs as a grammar horoscope–each sign apart of speech, from the impulsive verb to the wistful simile. This horoscope does not just… Read More

A man arguing with a speaker just after reading his horoscope.

"When even your Bluetooth speaker thinks your playlist is a cry for help."

Horoscopes

Distressing Fake Horoscopes, August 30

philmaggitti horoscopes 9 months

(Inaccurate but fake horoscopes presented not to guide you but to warn the furniture.) â™ˆ Aries (March 21–April 19) Your confidence is admirable, considering how… Read More

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly disguised as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval.

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.