News Archives - Page 11 of 27 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

News

Michael Moore Urges Simultaneous Toilet Flush on Inauguration Day

philmaggitti trump 9 years

FLINT, MI—In his ongoing quest to delegitimize Donald Trump’s presidency, Michael Moore is now urging Americans to flush their toilets en masse when Mr. Trump… Read More

News

Trump Appoints Grammar Grump to New Cabinet Post

Biff Scuzzy news 9 years

President-elect Donald J. Trump has appointed the Grammar Grump to the newly created cabinet post of Secretary of Grammar and Usage, which will replace the… Read More

News

Black Lives Matter Calls for Boycott of White Avatars

philmaggitti 9 years

D’Aryll Scott-Jones, Director of All Things That Matter of Black Lives Matter, called for immediate boycotts yesterday of all websites “that allow white supremacists to… Read More

News

Alt-right Website Explains Difference Between Nazi and Roman Salutes

philmaggitti 9 years

Dear Friedrich,I was on my way to a cell meeting the other day when I met a friend on the street who greeted me with… Read More

News

Alt-right Satire Site Wants Photos of Naked Progressives

philmaggitti trump 9 years

WEST CHESTER, PA—Thirty-six years ago today my favorite progressive was murdered. John Winston Lennon was the kind of person who wasn’t afraid to take off… Read More

News

WikiLeaks Reveals Identity of Time’s Person of the Year

philmaggitti 9 years

NEW YORK—Fresh off its revelation of the Democrats’ blueprint for attacking Jeff Sessions—Donald Trump’s choice for attorney general—WikiLeaks revealed this morning the identity of Time magazine’s person… Read More

News

Gennifer Flowers Vows to Go Commando at First Debate

Biff Scuzzy 10 years

NEW YORK—Gennifer Flowers, one-time cum-dumpster for then governor of Arkansas, William Jefferson Blythe Clinton, says she will “go commando” at Monday night’s first presidential debate.… Read More

News

Road Rage Trails in Consumer Reports Survey

philmaggitti trump 10 years

When Consumer Reports conducted research for its 2015 road rage survey, published on December 31 last year, the magazine included for the first time questions about other… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.