News Archives - Page 16 of 27 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

News Weed

AARP Head Announces Support for Legalized Pot

philmaggitti marijuana 16 years

WASHINGTON – The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) will sponsor a smoke-in to promote the group’s campaign to legalize marijuana. The weekend event, called… Read More

News

SpaghettiOs Creator, Donald Goerke, Chokes to Death, Uh-Oh

philmaggitti 16 years

CAMDEN, N.J. – Donald Goerke, the man who put the “Oh” in SpaghettiOs, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of… Read More

News

Taylor Swift Plans Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons

philmaggitti 16 years

Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced on her website yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift,… Read More

News

There’s Trouble in The Dog Whisperer’s Paradise

Biff Scuzzy dog, news 16 years

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Who doesn’t love Cesar Millan? The munchkin figure, the sun-god smile, the cute, spikey hair, those preternaturally white teeth, that funny ogg-sent.… Read More

News

Police Searching for Stolen Breast Implants

Chip Hilton 16 years

PENNSAUKEN, N.J. – Police are searching for a pair of 38-D breast implants obtained under false pretenses earlier this month. The breasts were lifted from… Read More

News

NuvaRing Launches New Marketing Campaign

Biff Scuzzy 16 years

WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J.- NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on… Read More

News

Al Qaeda Rebuilds Through Draft, Trades, Free Agency

philmaggitti 16 years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to U.S. intelligence scouting reports, Al Qaeda has rebuilt its operating team through a clever mixture of good draft choices, trades,… Read More

News

Walmart Stock in the Crosshairs

philmaggitti 17 years

MORGANTOWN, Penna.—Concerns about the value of Wal-Mart stock going forward from the El Paso shootings have decimated company morale, threatened the social fabric of many… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.