News Archives - Page 17 of 27 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

News

Three Second Rule Extended During Recession

philmaggitti 17 years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The federal three-second guideline, which warns anyone against picking up food and eating it more than three seconds after it has been… Read More

News

Pope Benedict Will Visit West Chester, Pennsylvania

philmaggitti 18 years

Special to the Pug Bus from T.J. Eckleburg WEST CHESTER, Penna. — Pope Benedict XVI will visit West Chester, Pennsylvania, Wednesday evening, a member of… Read More

News

Porsche Denies Plans to Release Nikki Catsouras Model

Biff Scuzzy 18 years

ATLANTA – A spokesman for Porsche Cars North America denies that his company has “any plans whatsoever” to introduce a limited edition Nikki Catsouras 911… Read More

News

Wolf Blitzer Found Beaten After Presidential Debate

Biff Scuzzy 18 years

CNN veteran newsman Wolf Blitzer was found bloody, naked, and unconscious in his dressing room last night following the Democratic presidential candidates’ debate at the… Read More

News

Conan O’Brien Stalker Reassigned by Vatican

philmaggitti 18 years

BOSTON – David Ajemian, the Roman Catholic priest who was arrested last week in New York for allegedly stalking Conan O’Brien, has been reassigned to… Read More

News

Preppy Killer Says Rough Sex with Gal Pal Led to Coke Bust

Chip Hilton 19 years

NEW YORK – Robert Chambers Jr., whom you may remember as the “Preppy Killer,” told police last night that the drugs found in the apartment… Read More

News Politics

Al Gore Demands Nobel Prize Recount

philmaggitti 19 years

SAN FRANCISCO – Al Gore told reporters in San Francisco yesterday that he will demand a recount in order to break the tie in this… Read More

News

RIAA Sends Message to Native American Single Mothers of Two

philmaggitti 19 years

The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) prevailed yesterday in its efforts to stamp out copyright infringement by Native American single mothers of two children.… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.