News Archives - Page 27 of 27 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

News

The Michael Jackson Jury Profiled

philmaggitti 21 years

SANTA MARIA, Calif. – The twelve people chosen to hear the Michael Jackson case were introduced yesterday, and the panel reflects the uniquely unpredictable demographic… Read More

News

Runaway Bride Wilbanks Gets Probation, Cooking Show

Biff Scuzzy 21 years

ATLANTA — Jennifer Wilbanks, once dubbed America’s Runaway Bride, has extended her fame just a bit longer by landing a half-hour cooking segment after entering… Read More

News

CNN’s Nancy Grace Confronts Michael Jackson Fan Outside Courthouse

philmaggitti 21 years

SANTA MARIA, Calif. — Court-house spectators were treated to a display of high-octane indignation yesterday when celebrity commentator Nancy Grace reacted sharply to a heckler… Read More

News

Best-Selling Postcards from the Pug Bus Syndicated

philmaggitti 21 years

INTRODUCTIONThe End of the Road There is no better way to breathe life into a career than by retiring. Like death, retirement is a great… Read More

News

US Prepared for Flu Pandemic Says Bush

philmaggitti 21 years

WASHINGTON — President George W. Bush said yesterday that he is confident the United States can avoid a bird-related Flu Panic that could theoretically leave… Read More

News

Runaway Bride Wilbanks Indicted for Overdue Books

philmaggitti 21 years

ATLANTA – Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks has been indicted by a grand jury on a number of counts related to her failure to return thirty-seven… Read More

News

Paris Hilton & Pug Bus Crash the Internet: Two Sites, One Stampede

Chip Hilton Paris Hilton 21 years

Two dangerously popular websites crashed over the past four days after being mobbed by visitors, once again challenging the cherished belief that there is no… Read More

Fourteen male senators in suits embrace, hold hands, and lean into one another in a neoclassical chamber with marble columns and arches. Their expressions range from gleeful to awkwardly intimate, suggesting a satirical compromise on “sexual filibustering.”

"All you need is love."

News

Senate Brokering Deal on “Performance-Based Filibustering”

philmaggitti news 21 years

Editor’s Note:The following dispatch is political satire. No senators engaged in interpretive gyrations, spoken-word seduction, or congressional jazz-hands as part of legislative proceedings. Probably. Last… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.