Horoscopes from the Remainder Bin, 09/15
Today’s horoscopes from the remainder bin are broadcasting from the edge of cosmic embarrassment. The stars are falling down drunk, belligerent, and handing out bad advice like free samples in Costco. Proceed at your own risk – or better yet, run toward the danger. Your horoscope is below; mock it, ignore it, or take it to heart and regret it later.
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♈ Aries 🔮 Your inner voice is demanding a refund. Sadly there are no returns for this life. Smile through the chaos; everyone thinks you meant to do it.
♉ Taurus 🔮 Your comfort zone just filed a restraining order. Time to move, even if it is only from couch to fridge. You may encounter enlightenment near the butter drawer.
♊ Gemini 🔮 You are two people today and neither of them is on speaking terms with reality. Lean into it. The world loves a well-dressed lunatic.
♋ Cancer 🔮 Everyone is over-sharing, and the stars are begging you to join them. Confess something weird. Not the big weird thing. Just the appetizer weird thing
.
♌ Leo 🔮 Your need for attention reaches circus-tent levels. Take a bow, but be prepared for polite clapping and one guy in the back yelling, “Get a job!”
♠Virgo 🔮 Your to-do list is breeding in the dark like tribbles. Kill half of it before it reaches critical mass and forms a small government.
♎ Libra 🔮 Your life is a see-saw today, and guess what? You are sitting on the wrong side. Consider this a great day to practice landing gracefully
â™ Scorpio 🔮 Everyone suspects you are up to something – mostly
because you are. Keep that smirk; it is your most underrated weapon.
♠Sagittarius 🔮 You will have a brilliant idea today. Unfortunately, someone else already patented it, monetized it, and turned it into a podcast.
♑ Capricorn 🔮 Grind culture has you by the neck. Take a nap out of spite. Revolutionary naps are still naps.
♒ Aquarius 🔮 Today is a perfect day for you to be weird on purpose, as opposed to your usual unconscious freestyle weirdness.
♓ Pisces 🔮 The universe is sending you signals, but you keep hitting “skip ad.” Maybe let one of them play through before you blame Mercury.
For additional horoscopes from hell slide over to our cosmic archive and keep punishing yourself.