Hyphenated Last Names: A Crime Against Humanity
Hyphenated last names are the linguistic equivalent of duct-taping two egos together and calling it a legacy. They are Frankensteinian name-chimeras, stitched from the vanity of two people who could not bear to let go of a single syllable of their ancestral glory. These are not names. They are genealogical traffic accidents, the spawn of indecision, the offspring of narcissism, the lovechild of pretension and paperwork.
The hyphen is not a bridge. It is a guillotine. It slices through tradition, decapitates simplicity, and leaves behind a grotesque monument to marital compromise. It is the first refuge of the terminally self-important. It screams, “Look at me! I am both a Henderson and a McGillicuddy! I contain multitudes! I am a walking résumé!”
No, you are a bureaucratic nightmare. You are a form-filler’s fever dream. You are the reason airline tickets get misprinted and children cry during roll call.
Hyphenators do not love each other. They love themselves. They love their lineage, their brand, their curated identity. They do not marry. They merge. They do not unite. They conglomerate. Their wedding vows are written in legalese and notarized by a paralegal named Brent. Their children will be cursed with names that sound like law firms or hedge funds.
Madison Jones-Wexler will grow up to resent both sides of the hyphen and legally change her name to “Maddie” just to escape the tyranny of her parents’ vanity.
And let us not forget the ultimate horror: the recursive hyphenation. When two hyphenated humans marry and produce a quadruple-barreled monstrosity. This is not a name. This is a cry for help. This is a linguistic hostage situation. This is how civilizations collapse.
Hyphenated last names are not progressive. They are regressive. They are the linguistic equivalent of wearing two monocles at once. They are a desperate grasp at relevance in a world that has already moved on. Let the hyphen die. Let it be buried in the cemetery of bad ideas, right next to cargo shorts and NFTs.
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