Horoscopes Face the Music
The stars have been humming to themselves again, and the result is not so much symphony as karaoke night at the edge of the universe. Every sign in Horoscopes Face the Music has its song, some cosmic needle drop that captures its delusions, its destiny, and the way it dances while Rome burns. Today the zodiac must face the music—and none of it is in tune.
♈ Aries — “Born to Be Wild” (Steppenwolf) You treat red lights as suggestions and patience as a myth. Mars keeps handing you the mic, and you keep shouting over the drummer. Try silence. It will confuse your enemies.
♉ Taurus — “Let It Be” (The Beatles) You would rather be buried in velvet than admit you were wrong. Venus suggests you lighten up, but you prefer the weight of a grudge that matches your sofa.
♊ Gemini — “You’re So Vain” (Carly Simon) You think this forecast is about you. It is. But so is every other one. Mercury approves the remix.
♋ Cancer — “Total Eclipse of the Heart” (Bonnie Tyler) You call it loyalty; others call it emotional taxidermy. The moon says stop crying over spilled milk, especially when you spilled it yourself to test who would notice.
♌ Leo — “Don’t Stop Me Now” (Queen) You have not stopped yourself since 2011, and you are not about to start. The universe stands back, shielding its eyes from the glare of your self-esteem.
♍ Virgo — “Every Breath You Take” (The Police) Your love language is surveillance. The spreadsheet says you care too much, and the spreadsheet is right.
♎ Libra — “Should I Stay or Should I Go” (The Clash) You call it balance; we call it paralysis with good lighting. Saturn says pick a side before the music ends.
♏ Scorpio — “Sympathy for the Devil” (The Rolling Stones) You have never met a boundary you could not turn into foreplay. Pluto hums approval in the background, playing bass with one hand and lighting matches with the other.
♐ Sagittarius — “Born to Run” (Bruce Springsteen) Commitment is your safe word. Jupiter keeps promising adventure, but it only leads to another restraining order.
♑ Capricorn — “Money” (Pink Floyd) You tell yourself ambition is a virtue. It is, until you start invoicing your friends for emotional labor. Take a half-day, Scrooge McMountain.
♒ Aquarius — “Space Oddity” (David Bowie) You are detached enough to ghost your own reflection. Uranus reports technical difficulties, but you call it freedom.
♓ Pisces — “Dreams” (Fleetwood Mac) You are once again lost in a fog of your own romantic hallucinations. Neptune suggests you swim toward shore—or at least toward a different playlist.
For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.
