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Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

MD

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

RC

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

NV

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

St. Agatha of Palermo, Patron Saint of Breast Implants and Barbecue

philmaggitti religion 13 years

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Next to the Blessed Virgin Mary’s breasts—which no one but the Holy Ghost and the infant Jesus has ever seen—the hooters of St.… Read More

Illustration of a saint holding a cross and bishop's staff.

No matter your problem, there’s a saint for that — even if it involves picnic-ruining ants.

There’s a Saint for That: The Village Atheist’s Guide to Heaven’s Most Questionable Healers

philmaggitti religion 13 years

There is a reason the village atheist’s new app is called “There’s a Saint for That.” The Catholic church is nothing if not fanciful, some… Read More

Sex Scandal Rocks Christian Mingle: Breaking News

Chip Hilton religion 13 years

WEST CHESTER, Pa. – The massively popular dating site Christian Mingle has been rocked by a sex scandal. “Threesomes, foursomes, pedophilia, bestiality, anal sex, cock… Read More

St. Benedict the Patron Saint of Hemorrhoids, Europe, and Other Stuff

philmaggitti religion 13 years

St. Benedict is the patron saint of Europe, kidney disease, food poisoning, hemorrhoids, and school children. He is recognized as the greatest influence on after… Read More

Holy card-style portrait of St. Augustine Zhao Rong, one of the revered patron saints of China, shown in traditional clerical robes with a gold halo, holding a wooden cross and an open Bible against a warm golden background framed by floral borders.

St. Augustine Zhao Rong

St. Augustine Zhao Rong et al. Are Today’s Patron Saints

philmaggitti religion 13 years

The First Universal Brotherhood of the Aggressive Atheist is pleased to join our Catholic brethren everywhere in ecumenical fellowship to salute the memory of St.… Read More

God Blasts Rick Perry over Intelligent Design and Celebrity Photo Books

Biff Scuzzy religion 15 years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a statement faxed to the editor of THEM Weekly magazine, God the Father Almighty chided presidential candidate Rick Perry for using the theory… Read More

Rick Perry Says Animals Were Domesticated by Intelligent Design

philmaggitti religion 15 years

MULESHOE, Texas – Governor Rick Perry told an audience at the First Evangelical Church of the Chosen Flock last night that schools in Texas should… Read More

God Slaps NFL Players with Dire Warning

philmaggitti football, religion 16 years

HEAVEN – God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.