The Last Mile of Virtue Signaling: An Adopt-a-Highway Map

A baby curiously touching a man's face while he lies on grass. — Woke corporations started adopting asphalt like rescue pets.

When America ran out of unclaimed asphalt, the race to adopt highways became a corporate Hunger Games of virtue signaling. With every stretch of interstate already spoken for, woke conglomerates turned to ideological branding–slapping DEI slogans on mile markers like bumper stickers on a Prius. From “Pronoun Lane Ahead” to “Algorithmic Equity Corridor,” the nation’s roads now serve as billboards for performative progress. This Adopt-a-Highway map chronicles the final mile of adoption madness, where corporations don’t just clean litter–they cleanse identity sins, one pothole at a time.

I”‘95, Philadelphia â†’ Adopted by Starbucks
Roadside signs read: “This lane affirms your pronouns.” Every rest stop offers free oat milk, but only if you declare your identity in triplicate.

Route 66, Arizona â†’ Adopted by Google
The desert stretch is renamed “Algorithmic Equity Corridor.” Billboards flash rotating DEI slogans, but only in rainbow”‘colored binary code. Travelers must pass a CAPTCHA proving they’re “inclusive enough” to merge.

I”‘10, Houston â†’ Adopted by Disney
Mile markers replaced with inspirational quotes from animated sidekicks. The asphalt itself is painted in pastel gradients, but only characters who’ve been retconned into “representation icons” are allowed to sponsor exits.

I”‘80, Nebraska â†’ Adopted by Ben & Jerry’s
Each rest area has a freezer stocked with flavors like “Microaggression Mint” and “Systemic Rocky Road.” Volunteers in tie”‘dye vests chant slogans while picking up litter.

I”‘5, Portland â†’ Adopted by Patagonia
The highway is declared a “safe space for endangered identities.” Pavement cracks are filled with recycled hemp. Drivers must pledge allegiance to the Earth before merging.

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