March 2007 – postcards from the pug bus

Pornography Merchants Hail Internet Smut Ruling

philmaggitti 465 Views 2 min read

CORNISH FLATS, N.H. – Adult Internet content, which includes but is not limited to bumping uglies in pairs and in groups, bestiality, pedophilia, necrophilia, and the Bush twins’ webcam, will not get its own dot-xxx address on the World Wide Web; and the folks who merchant this sort of entertainment could not be happier. “Let Read More

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Vows to Stay the Course

Chip Hilton 517 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan, like her favorite president, George W. Bush, is determined to stay the course. Although Britney Spears has moved on from flashing her bunny to attending church with a posse of armed thugs—and Paris Hilton is more worried about jail time than face time these days—Ms. Lohan is determined to rid Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Adoption Reaches Milestone

philmaggitti 460 Views 1 min read

FLAGSTAFF, Arizona – Angelina Jolie is a long way from breaking Mia Farrow’s parenting record—four biological and ten or eleven adopted kids—but the Tomb Raider star takes a back seat to nobody when it comes to adopting highways. While the media focused on Ms. Jolie’s three adoptions and one natural birth during the last five years, she Read More

Politics

Hillary Clinton Benefits from Selfless Vilsack Move

Biff Scuzzy 432 Views 2 min read

DES MOINES, Iowa – Hillary Clinton will reap the benefit of “a selfless political decision” by her one time presidential rival, former two-term Iowa governor Thomas Vilsack. Governor Vilsack, 56, demonstrated “statesmanlike vision” by dropping out of the presidential race last month, said a press release issued from the governor’s campaign head-quarters, and now he Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Adoption Spree Inspires New SAT Questions

philmaggitti 465 Views 3 min read

PRINCETON, N.J. – Angelina Jolie’s mad-brained adoption behavior has inspired the Educational Testing Service (ETS) in Princeton, New Jersey, to add several new questions to the mathematics portion of its venerable Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT). An official at ETS said the Jolie questions were part of an attempt to overhaul the SAT in order to Read More

Politics

John Edwards in Danger of Losing Sympathy Vote

philmaggitti 447 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – John Edwards may have squandered the sympathy vote already with his remarks during a 60 Minutes interview with Katie Couric, which was taped Saturday in Las Vegas and aired last night. Prior to his 60 Minutes appearance, several polls had indicated a shift in the sympathy vote toward Mr. Edwards, a former senator and vice presidential Read More

Weed

Bong Hits 4 Jesus Rallies Planned

Biff Scuzzy 515 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A nationwide series of Bong Hits 4 Jesus rallies, sponsored by the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML), kicks off at 4:20 p.m. this Saturday in Boston, New York City, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. The rallies are designed to focus public attention on the Bong Hits 4 Jesus case, Read More

Sporting Life

LSU’s Pokey Chatman Remembered as Hands-on Coach

philmaggitti 457 Views 2 min read

BATON ROUGE, La. – Recently resigned LSU women’s basketball coach Dana “Pokey” Chatman, 37, will be remembered as a hands-on coach, said a trio of former players. “She worked her fingers to the bone, and she expected the same from you,” said Tymeka Jones. “Yet despite being a strict disciplinarian, she wasn’t afraid to show Read More

Music

Brad Delp Memorialized by Burger King

Biff Scuzzy 467 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Former Boston singer Brad Delp will be honored by the Burger King corporation, a company spokesman said yesterday. Bill Pitt, regional manager for Burger King’s New England stores, said the company made the decision following reports that Mr. Delp had died from carbon monoxide poisoning “after shutting himself inside a bathroom with Read More

Religion

Sarah Silverman Snub Has God Lovers Fuming

philmaggitti 457 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – Sarah Silverman has had her last orgasm if God’s followers have anything to say about it. Friends of the Big Guy are praying that Ms. Silverman’s morning-after kiss off, seen last week on the season’s finale of her Comedy Central show, will come back to bite her on the ass—something she apparently Read More

Celebrities

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Adoption Request Denied

philmaggitti 446 Views 2 min read

NEW ORLEANS – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have failed in their latest attempt to add to their rainbow family. The actor-activist couple learned yesterday that a New Orleans animal shelter had denied their request to adopt a three-month-old Labrador retriever puppy. The shelter’s refusal came as a shock to Brangelina watchers, who assumed that Read More

Celebrities

Paul McCartney Breaks Silence about Heather Mills

Chip Hilton 432 Views 2 min read

LONDON – A bitter Paul McCartney has finally taken the rag out of his mouth, ending a self-imposed gag order regarding his estranged wife, Heather Mills. During the weekend, the former cute Beatle spoke with Flora duMal of The Daily Mirror at Abbey Road studios, where he is recording “She Used to Do It in the Road,” Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Is the Antichrist, Says Noted Exorcist

Biff Scuzzy 413 Views 3 min read

MALIBU – Britney Spears’ claim to be the Antichrist should not be taken lightly, says James J. LeBar, chief exorcist for the Archdiocese of New York. Father LeBar, a veteran of more than forty exorcisms, observed Ms. Spears yesterday at Promises-by-the-Sea Tranquility Centre. He was shaken by what he saw. “There’s no doubt in my Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Returning to Kabbalah

Biff Scuzzy 441 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Britney Spears wants to return to the practice of Kabbalah. During an intense week in rehab at Promises-by-the-Sea Tranquility Centre, Ms. Spears tumbled to the conclusion that her life began to unravel last spring after she had announced on her website that she was quits with Kabbalah. “I never shoulda did that,” Ms. Read More

Celebrities

Anna Nicole Smith Funeral Will Be Televised on C-SPAN2

Chip Hilton 451 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON – The much-delayed funeral of Anna Nicole Smith will be televised live on C-SPAN2 tomorrow. Scheduled programs, beginning with “Press Freedoms in the Former Soviet Republic” at 7:00 a.m., will be preempted in order to provide day-long coverage of what promises to be the most talked about funeral in the recent history of the Read More