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Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

News

Tara Reid Still Celebrating Birthday

philmaggitti Paris Hilton 20 years

LOS ANGELES – Tara Reid, who turned thirty yesterday, is still toasting the occasion. Reid’s marathon birthday party, which began around sundown Monday, was in… Read More

News

Vincent Gallo Swimming Upstream with Sperm Offer

Chip Hilton 20 years

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Ignoring the historically poor performance records of sperm banks, indie film actor Vincent Gallo is offering to sell his sperm for… Read More

News

Chicken Little Stricken with Avian Flu

philmaggitti 20 years

What was to be a triumphant weekend debut for Walt Disney Studios Chicken Little was marred by the news that the hero of this newly released animated… Read More

News

Alito Supreme Court Nomination Assailed by Democrats

philmaggitti 21 years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy led the chorus of Democratic voices howling in opposition to President Bush’s nomination of Judge Samuel A. Alito… Read More

News

New Orleans Prostitutes Displaced by Katrina Find New Homes

philmaggitti 21 years

TIMONIUM, Md. – One of the most inspiring stories to emerge from the national flood of sympathy for the victims of Hurricane Katrina is the… Read More

News

President Bush Vows to Rebuild New Orleans in Iraq

philmaggitti 21 years

THE FRENCH QUARTER – Speaking from the courtyard of a sports bar in New Orleans’ historic French Quarter, President George W. Bush declared that rebuilding… Read More

News

Obestatin Found Lacking in Wal-Mart Shoppers

Biff Scuzzy 21 years

PALO ALTO, Calif. – Scientists at Stanford University have discovered that two out of three Wal-Mart shoppers are deficient in obestatin, the so-called appetite-suppressing or… Read More

News

Pug Bus Editor Stands by Bogus Tom Cruise Quotes

philmaggitti celebrity shockers, Tom Cruise 21 years

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Phil Maggitti, editor in briefs of the internationally acclaimed satire site, Postcards from the Pug Bus, says he stands by the… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.