Leaked Memo Reveals New Dummies Book Offerings, Vol. 2
In the latest sign that the Dummies books franchise will never die—only mutate endlessly—John Wiley & Sons has reportedly greenlit another round of New Dummies Books,“bold,” “relevant,” and “absolutely unnecessary” titles aimed at people who still think books are TikToks that forgot to load.
According to an internal memo leaked to Postcards from the Pug Bus, the publishing giant hopes to “revitalize the brand for a new era of proud mediocrity.” This is the same outfit, after all, that gave us Foraging for Dummies and Understanding Men Named Kyle for Dummies.
Sources say these new offerings were approved after a two-day “strategy retreat” in a Newark Marriott conference room featuring an open bar and a motivational speaker who used to work at Circuit City.
Here, then, are some of the fresh hells you can expect in the next wave of New Dummies Books. (For those who missed the first round of new classics, see Leaked Memo Reveals New Dummies Offerings (Vol. 1).)
Quiet Quitting for Dummies–Why ghost your boss when you can gaslight him instead? Learn how to weaponize work-life balance, perfect the “strategic nap,” and become the office’s most passive-aggressive minimalist.
Emotional Support Animals for Dummies–Nothing says “healing” like a peacock in an airport. Includes a free leash, a laminated therapist’s note, and a chapter on how to cry strategically at TSA.
NFTs for Dummies Who Still Think They Mean Something–Step-by-step instructions for turning your rent money into a JPEG of a monkey wearing a crown. Bonus appendix: How to Explain Your Losses to Your Accountant Without Weeping.
Cancel Culture Comebacks for Dummies–A practical guide for disgraced influencers, former governors, and anyone who once said “women be shopping” on record. Learn to apologize, monetize, and rebrand as a “truth-teller.”
AI Prompt Engineering for Dummies Who Want Credit for Other People’s Work–Finally, an entire book about typing vague instructions into a robot and calling yourself an artist. Foreword by the ghost of originality.
Intermittent Fasting for Dummies Who Never Shut Up About It–Featuring calorie-free smugness, time-released hunger, and charts proving that everyone else is doing it wrong.
Existential Dread for Dummies–A cheerful yellow-and-black companion for anyone who wakes up screaming into the void. Learn breathing techniques, doomscrolling etiquette, and when it’s OK to cry at Trader Joe’s.
Wiley officials declined to comment on whether the new series will include Book-Burning for Dummies—though an insider hinted that “if schools keep banning books, we’ll finally have a sequel that sells itself.”
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