Political Satire: A Roast for Every State

From gold bars in New Jersey freezers to vape clouds in Colorado theaters, Political Satire: A Roast for Every State is your coast-to-coast catalog of cringe, corruption, and cultural chaos. This fifty-state facepalm is delivered in the time-honored format of “So-and-so called, they want their thus-and-such back.” Politicians, influencers, sports heroes, and scandal magnets: if they are alive and embarrassing, they are here.

🔥 Political Satire: A Roast for Every State

• Alabama: Nick Saban called. He wants his dynasty back. For anyone still bragging about 2012 like it is breaking news.
  
  
• Alaska: Sarah Palin called. She wants her reality show back. Because nothing says governance like moose-hunting in HD.
  
  
• Arizona: Kyrsten Sinema called. She wants her fashion filibuster back. To anyone who shows up anywhere dressed like a rave senator.
  
  
• Arkansas: Mike Huckabee called. He wants his bass guitar back. For the guy who thinks political commentary belongs in a jam band.
  
  
• California: Gavin Newsom called. He wants his French Laundry reservation back. Aim this at any diploid who preaches lockdowns from a wine cave.
  
  
• Colorado: Lauren Boebert called. She wants her theater etiquette back. For the vape-happy PDA chick ruining everyone else’s night.
  
  
• Connecticut: Chris Murphy called. He wants his gun control bill back. To anyone whose solution to everything is “thoughts and prayers.”
  
  
• Delaware: Joe Biden called. He wants his Scranton roots back. For the guy who name-drops hometowns like they are policy.
  
  
• Florida: Matt Gaetz called. He wants his Venmo history back. For the friend who pays for everything in emoji-coded shame.
  
  
• Georgia: Marjorie Taylor Greene called. She wants her conspiracy board back. For anyone who connects Taylor Swift to the deep state.
  
  
• Hawaii: Tulsi Gabbard called. She wants her party affiliation back. For the shapeshifter in your group chat.
  
  
• Idaho: The Bundy family called. They want their standoff back. For the neighbor who thinks HOA rules are tyranny.
  
  
• Illinois: Jussie Smollett called. He wants his alibi back. For the drama queen who stages his own victimhood.
  
  
• Indiana: Jim Banks called. He wants his grievance list back. For the guy who treats every minor inconvenience like a constitutional crisis.
  
  
• Iowa: Chuck Grassley called. He wants his fax machine back. For the coworker who still prints emails and calls it cybersecurity.
  
  
• Kansas: Kris Kobach called. He wants his voter purge back. For the guy who thinks democracy works better with fewer voters.
  
  
• Kentucky: Rand Paul called. He wants his contrarian streak back. For anyone who says “actually” before every sentence.
  
  
• Louisiana: Clay Higgins called. He wants his tactical vest back. For the guy who shows up to brunch dressed for a militia cosplay.
  
  
• Maine: Susan Collins called. She wants her concern back. For the person who is “troubled” by everything–but never acts.
  
  
• Maryland: Dan Bongino called. He wants his outrage back. For the guy who turns every headline into a personal attack.
  
  
• Massachusetts: Elizabeth Warren called. She wants her plan back. For the coworker who brings only a spreadsheet to a pizza party.
  
  
• Michigan: Gretchen Whitmer called. She wants her lockdown back. For the friend who still wipes down groceries with bleach.
  
  
• Minnesota: Ilhan Omar called. She wants “her controversy” back. For all those who tweet before thinking, then double down anyway.
  
  
• Mississippi: Brett Favre called. He wants his privates pix back. For any guy who “accidentally” sends a picture of his junk to female strangers.
  
  
• Missouri: Josh Hawley called. He wants his fist pump back. For the gym bro who flees conflict but flexes for selfies.
  
  
• Montana: Greg Gianforte called. He wants his body slam back. For the guy who thinks assault is just “passionate disagreement.”
  
  
• Nebraska: Ben Sasse called. He wants his resignation letter back. For those who quit loudly, then linger like a ghost.
  
  
• Nevada: Steve Wynn called. He wants his hush money back. For the boss who thinks NDAs are a leadership strategy.
  
  
• New Hampshire: Chris Sununu called. He wants his libertarian badge back. For the guy who quotes Ayn Rand at a bake sale.
  
  
• New Jersey: Bob Menendez called. He wants his gold bars back. For the friend who stores cash in his freezer “just in case.”
  
  
• New Mexico: Ronchetti called. He wants his meteorologist credibility back. For the guy who predicts doom with zero data.
  
  
• New York: Andrew Cuomo called. He wants his Emmy back. For the leader who thinks good lighting equals good leadership.
  
  
• North Carolina: Madison Cawthorn called. He wants his frat stories back. Here is to any guy who overshares regarding orgies no one asked about.
  
  
• North Dakota: Kevin Cramer called. He wants his oil subsidies back. For the one who thinks fossil fuels are a personality trait.
  
  
• Ohio: Jim Jordan called. He wants his jacket back. For the guy who is always yelling but never dressed for the occasion.
  
  
• Oklahoma: Markwayne Mullin called. He wants his cage match back. For people who think C-SPAN is UFC.
  
  
• Oregon: Ted Wheeler called. He wants his riot gear back. For the mayor who shows up late to every emergency.
  
  
• Pennsylvania: John Fetterman called. He wants his hoodie back. For the guy who thinks dressing down is a political statement.
  
  
• Rhode Island: Seth Magaziner called. He wants his name recognition back. For politicians who campaigns like ghosts.
  
  
• South Carolina: Tim Scott called. He wants his optimism back. For the guy who smiles through the collapse.
  
  
• South Dakota: Kristi Noem called. She wants her dog story back. For the person who overshares pet trauma at dinner.
  
  
• Tennessee: Marsha Blackburn called. She wants her talking points back. For the one who recites cable news like scripture.
  
  
• Texas: Ken Paxton called. He wants his impeachment back. For the guy who survives scandal by sheer stubbornness.
  
  
• Utah: Mitt Romney called. He wants his dignity back. For the coworker who is too classy for the chaos around him.
  
  
• Vermont: Phil Scott called. He wants his bipartisan badge back. For unicorns who still believe in compromise.
  
  
• Virginia: Glenn Youngkin called. He wants his fleece vest back. For the CEO who thinks casual Fridays are a political platform.
  
  
• Washington: Jay Inslee called. He wants his climate summit back. For the guy who composts his emails.
  
  
• West Virginia: Joe Manchin called. He wants his leverage back. For the swing vote who milks every moment.
  
  
• Wisconsin: Ron Johnson called. He wants his alternate reality back. For the guy who forwards conspiracy emails with “just asking questions.”
  
  
• Wyoming: Harriet Hageman called. She wants her loyalty test back. For the one who treats politics like a blood oath.

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