Ten Unusual Things that Should Be Taken with a Grain of Salt
Following the Great Pickle Uprising and the fall of the Mayonnaise Empire, humanity has clung to one guiding principle: take it with a grain of salt. This maxim, once used to temper dubious claims, now serves as the cornerstone of all interdimensional diplomacy, snack-based theology, and interpretive dance critiques. Below are ten things that should absolutely be taken with a grain of salt—preferably Himalayan, but table salt will do in emergencies.
Weather Forecasts from Talking Squirrels–While the acorn barometer may seem compelling, one must question the forecasting credentials of a rodent wearing a monocle. These forecasts often include predictions such as “Tuesday will be emotionally damp” and “expect thunderous regret by midweek.” Take them with a grain of salt and perhaps a small umbrella for your soul.
Horoscopes Written by Sentient Appliances–Although your toaster’s insights into your love life may be warm and golden brown, its understanding of planetary motion is limited to the rotation of bagels. When it tells you that Mercury is in retrograde because your rye bread burned, sprinkle liberally with salt and unplug the appliance.
Fitness Advice from a Disgruntled Houseplant–The ficus has been spying on you binge-watching documentaries about running. It has opinions, but when it suggests that you should photosynthesize for better abs, consider the source. A grain of salt, a dash of skepticism, and perhaps a new watering schedule are advised.
Political Commentary from Your Cat–While feline punditry is on the rise, most cats remain staunch monarchists who believe in absolute rule by nap. When Whiskers declares that the local mayor is a lizard in disguise, take it with a grain of salt and remember that he also believes the vacuum cleaner is a war criminal.
Dating Profiles That Mention “Time Travel Enthusiast”–Unless they arrive in a DeLorean or a humming refrigerator, assume that their time travel credentials are limited to regretting last Tuesday. A grain of salt will protect you from paradoxes and awkward brunches with someone who claims to have dated Cleopatra.
Recipes That Begin with “First, Capture a Unicorn”–While the resulting stew may be magical, the logistics are problematic. Unicorns are notoriously difficult to trap, especially with modern ethical standards and the rise of glitter allergies. Take such recipes with a grain of salt and a backup plan involving lentils.
Investment Tips from a Sock Puppet Named Reginald–Reginald may have charisma, a top hat, and a detailed knowledge of cryptocurrency, but his portfolio includes heavy investments in imaginary marbles and emotional NFTs. A grain of salt will help you avoid buying stock in the concept of longing.
DIY Instructions That Require Moonlight and Chanting–While assembling a bookshelf under a full moon while whispering ancient IKEA incantations may feel spiritually fulfilling, it rarely results in stable furniture. Take such instructions with a grain of salt and a Phillips-head screwdriver blessed by reason.
Historical Documentaries Narrated by a Confused Parrot–Polly may want a cracker, but Polly also believes Napoleon was a sandwich and that the Renaissance was a type of dance. These documentaries are best enjoyed with a grain of salt and a firm grasp on reality, preferably held in both hands.
Scientific Studies Funded by the League of Invisible Ferrets–Although their research on quantum burrowing is groundbreaking, the league’s peer review process involves interpretive squeaking and invisible paw stamps. Take their findings with a grain of salt and a flashlight, just in case.
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