celebrity shockers Archives - Page 6 of 7 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

MD

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

RC

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

NV

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Celebrity Shockers

Angelina Jolie Wants to Adopt Basenji Next

Chip Hilton celebrity shockers, dog, Paris Hilton 21 years

NEW YORK – Adoptive mother Angelina Jolie paid a surprise visit to the ASPCA shelter yesterday. She was there, she told shelter employees, because she… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Tom Cruise Waging War Against Satire

philmaggitti celebrity shockers, Tom Cruise 21 years

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Not satisfied to convert the world to Scientology one actress at a time–or “to take down the abomination that is psychiatry”–Tom… Read More

Pug Bus Editor Stands by Bogus Tom Cruise Quotes

philmaggitti celebrity shockers, Tom Cruise 21 years

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Phil Maggitti, editor in briefs of the internationally acclaimed satire site, Postcards from the Pug Bus, says he stands by the… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Expecting Virgin Birth

philmaggitti celebrity shockers, Tom Cruise 21 years

HOLLYWOOD- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting their first Scientologist next spring. Given the public displays of tonsil hockey put on by Cruise, 43,… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Tom Cruise Digs Lauren Bacall’s Irony

Chip Hilton celebrity shockers, Tom Cruise 21 years

ROME – Tom Cruise said he finds Lauren Bacall’s recent remarks about him “supremely ironic.” Bacall’s observations, which appear in the August 8 issue of Time magazine,… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Tom Cruise Rips Brooke Shields in Birthday Interview

Chip Hilton celebrity shockers, Tom Cruise 21 years

HOLLYWOOD – Scientologist Tom Cruise revealed yesterday that he is “much older” than the forty three years he has spent in his present body. Indeed,… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Tom Cruise Gets His Own Psychiatric Syndrome

Chip Hilton celebrity shockers, Tom Cruise 21 years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced today that Tom Cruise Syndrome—illustrated by a photo of Cruise dancing on Oprah Winfrey’s couch—will be… Read More

Cruise, DiCaprio Attacks Spur Hate Crime Legislation

Chip Hilton celebrity shockers, Tom Cruise 21 years

The recent attacks on Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio have inspired California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to ask the state legislature to pass hate crime legislation… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.