horoscopes

The stars have been raw dogging again, and their output today–Imaginary Horoscopes for Real People–resembles that of a malfunctioning AI with an astrology fetish and… Read More

Fellow babies: buckle up for the collapse of linear time and all that it implies. There go the Backward Horoscopes We Didn’t See Coming. Catch… Read More

Offbeat horoscopes for seekers who do not need cosmic hugs or fortune-cookie wisdom. Fresh, sly, and occasionally useful, like gossip from the stars that almost… Read More

Welcome, doomed disciples of the astral abyss. Her Majesty has consulted the infernal tea leaves, cross-referenced them with yak entrails, and summoned a fresh heap… Read More

Welcome, seeker of free horoscopes and questionable life advice. The stars are drunk, the toaster is clapping, and your destiny just tripped over a houseplant.… Read More

It is a grim business being a mortal today. The stars are not aligned; they have gone on strike. I begged them for cosmic guidance,… Read More

(Ahoy. The stars are drunk, the moon is in a mood, and the cosmos just texted “lol good luck.” Let us dive into your unhinged… Read More

(Ohhh, hiccup, the cosmosh ish sloshed. The zzzodiac’sh been sippin’ Nebula Noir and now they’re hiccup burpin’ propheciesh into their goblets. Prepare for a celestial… Read More